As Good As A Lonely Girl Can Be

I'm such a baby. Why the hell isn't Jeff talking to me? Why isn't he telling me he loves me right now instead of playing that damned piece of crap game? Oh, who cares...

So last night, I tried to spend some time with Jeff but there was some trouble with Darren and Clara and their internet radio station. Everyone associated with that radio station had to log in and take part in some voice chat meeting that I didn't wanna be a part of. I totally totally wanted to be with Jeff. I didn't get to though. The meeting ran till 10:30pm and I was so tired that I went to bed by 11. The annoying thing is that I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep.

I finally did manage to take a short nap at around 2:30pm and slept till 5:30pm. I had a hard time waking up, but well, here I am... alone, dammit, and I'm not liking it.

Jeff told me last night that I rely too much on him. Err, or that my emotions are based too much on him. He's so damned bad about that kinda stuff. I had told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make things better for him. I told him that in order for me to be happy, he needed to be happy. That's when he said that stuff to me. It was kind of offensive to be told stuff that left me with the idea of "I don't want to be responsible for any time you feel hurt. I want you to be alone and I want to get out of this relationship without a guilty conscience." (t least, that's the way it felt to me when he said it). In some ways, I think that what he said was right and that my own happiness shouldn't depend on him. In other ways, I thought it was a crappy thing to say.
I didn't argue with him.

I didn't say anything except "Maybe so" and then thought about how just two nights previously, one of my friends from There.com told me "Do you know how many guys would kill just for the chance to mean *something* to you?" He then proceeded to name off names of people that have told him how they adore me and think I'm the greatest. He told me names of people that would jump at the chance to be with me - heh, and he named off Mike (who was standing right there chatting with us).

Jeff called There.com my "man haven" and gets kinda touchy about it. In fact, he told me the other night that he wanted to come be in bed with me, but that I needed to leave all the other guys behind. I am totally sure he's referring to Mike in specifics because I told him all about Mike and how it felt good for someone to be admitting that they want and need me.

It confused me, though, because I can't figure Jeff at all. Nights like tonight leave me out in the cold, begging and pleading for attention from him. I feel lonely and unwanted and despised. Jeff told me not to rely on him for my happiness and tells me he doesn't know what he wants - then neglects me until I have a total breakdown. Then, when I finally give up on him and simply start spending time with people who openly tell me every day how they want me and need me, Jeff tells me to leave them behind.

So...

Tonight I will seek Mike out and take him up on his offer to let me live in his house in There. Jeff and I used to live together, but he sold the house and quit playing. Jeff doesn't want me and won't play with me (except when he wants to complain), but grew extremely silent when I mentioned the possibility of moving my stuff into Mike's cute little virtual house. The only thing he said to me was "Do what makes you happy" but then grew incredibly silent.

Tonight, I'll be with Rocky, Greg, and Mike, and it'll feel good to be wanted - even if it's just to stand around to talk to people.

We've got some kinda blizzard coming to OKC tonight. Already, it's insanely cold, and I'm wrapped up in 2 blankets, and I have my feet stuffed inside of a big ole foot warmer. The fear, now, is that my brother won't come to Oklahoma City for Christmas due to all the bad weather that's supposed to come. I seriously hope that isn't what will happen though.