Wanderings of the Thought

I really hate this

2005-03-16T05:57:00.000-06:00

I'm really growing tired of writing about my confusion and my refusal to let things go with Jeff, but here I am, two weeks later, and I still can't get him out of my head.

Tonight, I was playing on the radio. My brother in law and I had been talking on the phone about junk when he started picking on me about my music. So, I dedicated "I hate everything about you" to him - only I didn't say who. I just said "You know who you are".

No big deal, right? Usually, I'd say no, but with Jeff being in my head, I've convinced myself that he was listening and well, maybe he loves me and maybe he doesn't want to let me go So, then I started worrying that he'd think that I was playing that to him. *sigh* How on earth am I going to get Jeff to want me if that kinda stupid stuff happens?

And why am I even thinking that Jeff does want me? Why am I even thinking I have a chance? I have no right to. He dumped me. He broke my heart. No, he annihilated my heart and left me feeling the lowest of lows. He doesn't want me. Why won't that stay in my head?

Better yet, why do I still want him? It's clear that it's over. All this strength that I've had lately and it's gotten me to this point, and then just in one moment, it's shattered. Why can't I just be angry that he hurt me and forget him?

*sigh* At least I am still firm in my resolve that I won't be with him at all if he refuses to keep me and me alone. No friendship. No hand holding. Nothing. I wrote him an email about what happened on the radio (well, coz I'm stupid sometimes) but it was not an opening.

So back to my confusion...

So no matter how strong I am in my resolve to not have him in my life unless he takes me and only me in his life - by letting his wife go, and admitting that he wants me in his life as his love and not as a friend and not as his whore - it still hurts and I still find myself wanting his love. His ROMANTIC love. Not friendship love. No, I deserve much more than that.

Why can't I just let go and move on? Why do I choose to give my love to the wrong people? Why is it so difficult for me to trust someone enough to be in love with them, yet not very easy to let go of the love that was so difficult for me to let happen?

Know what else? There are others that want me, and not just internet people. People in my real life. I just can't love them no matter how hard I try. I want to love someone else, but my heart was given to Jeff, and I just can't convince my heart o let go.

Mike wants me. Heh, Mike the ass. I told him I was leaving There.com for quite a while and that I didn't plan on coming back because it just hurt too much to be There when so much of that place reminds me of Jeff. Mike begged me to stay and doesn't want me to go anywhere. He told me to flirt with him too. Heh Whatever. Mike also told me that I shouldn't be childish and be angry with Jeff. *sigh* Mike then told me he wonders what could have been between us if things had only been a little bit different. Blah. Mike... I can only take him in small doses before he makes me annoyed. "Nothing could have been, Mike. I like the attention a lot and I even need it, but not from you. I don't even like you half the time because you're a jerk"

Frank wants me. *sigh* Frnak is another one that I can only handle in small doses. I love him like a best friend, but if I have to spend more than an hour with him without something to mutually entertain us, I go nuts. He's a wonderful man with a heart of gold. He's also been there for me when I've been in asshat mode and unable to get out of it. But, Frank also admits to being annoying sometimes. He tells me to tell him when he's aggrivating me or to tell him whatever it is that I think. It's just that... he just isn't my kinda guy. I am not attracted to him.

Michael still wants me. Michael of Denmark fame. Michael just can't have me. I don't want him and I never loved him either.

I love Jeff. I love him despite the fact that he hurt me. I love him despite the fact that he's selfish. I love him despite the fact that he doesn't love me. That's exactly why, though, we aren't together. He doesn't want to love me the way I want and need and deserve to be loved.
He made it clear that it was over and as much as I hate it, I will honor it and let the friendship and my heart die with it.

I'm lonely, though. I just really made him part of me, and that part is gone....

2005-02-08T05:01:00.000-06:00

I want to post on my other blog, but that site's running so slowly that I can't stand to bother to sit and wait for the pages to load up.

I have to post my conversation with Jeff here...

Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:03AM] Chasmia: come get your buggy. I'll leave the zone
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:05AM] Jeff: you can just drop it somewhere if you want rid of it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:05AM] Chasmia: figured you'd be picky aobut who drove it and who didn't. I always was concerning my personal cars
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:06AM] Jeff: doesn't matter really...thanks for offering to give it to me tho
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:07AM] Chasmia: okay
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:09AM] Chasmia: look I'll log out if you want to play There.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:09AM] Chasmia: *sigh*
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:10AM] Jeff: no, I don't wanna play
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:10AM] Chasmia: okay, you logged on to look at grass?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:10AM] Chasmia: err sand?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:10AM] Jeff: not sure why I logged in exactly
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:11AM] Chasmia: I hate it too.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:11AM] Chasmia: You aren't alone in missing it.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:12AM] Jeff: alone in missing what?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:13AM] Chasmia: you know exactly what
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:17AM] Chasmia: okay, can we get it all out now?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:18AM] Jeff: ok
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:19AM] Chasmia: so spill it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:19AM] Jeff: not sure what you want me to spill
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:20AM] Chasmia: nothing, I guess. I had just assumed you logged in because you wanted to talk or to get some courage up to talk or whatever
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:20AM] Chasmia: I guess I was wrong.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:23AM] Jeff: dunno, I think I already caused enough damage
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:24AM] Chasmia: okay, I want to know one thing bluntly
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:25AM] Jeff: ok
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:26AM] Chasmia: did you do it to be clear to me that we had no future?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:28AM] Jeff: I assume you mean signing the lease...and no, I didn't do it as any sort of sign.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:31AM] Chasmia: see, you've read me all wrong
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:31AM] Chasmia: and I've been given answers that aren't answers
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:31AM] Chasmia: and I feel that I was lead to believe stuff that wasn't true
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:32AM] Chasmia: and I want so bad to rant at you. *sigh*
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:32AM] Chasmia: Just tell me that it was a lie and that you never felt anything and I can move on
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:33AM] Jeff: even if I said that,w ould you really believe it?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:34AM] Chasmia: I'd want to. I'd need to.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:37AM] Jeff: if you need to rant at me I can take it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:38AM] Chasmia: No you can't
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:38AM] Chasmia: because it's filled with all kinds of pain, and you run from my displays of pain
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:40AM] Jeff: well I'm offering
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:40AM] Chasmia: Why'd you do this to me, Jeff?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:41AM] Chasmia: Why'd you tell me you wanted kids more than anything and then state that you didn't want them?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:41AM] Chasmia: Why'd you punish me when I'd beg for you to give me attention?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:41AM] Chasmia: Why'd you make me feel so little when I begged for your love?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:42AM] Chasmia: Why'd you tell me I wasn't a burden?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:43AM] Jeff: I didn't say I didn't want them, I just said that it's not my main priority right now
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:44AM] Jeff: it's very hard for me to handle that much love because I know I can't reciprocate it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:44AM] Chasmia: then why did you come back to me after you left me at Christmas?
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:44AM] Jeff: and yes, it gets to be too much at times for me...I don't know how to explain it or why I'm like that
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:47AM] Jeff: I missed talking to you
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:48AM] Chasmia: I feel so betrayed
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:48AM] Chasmia: and lied to
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:49AM] Jeff: I'm sorry
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:49AM] Chasmia: well it's over with now. I want you to be happy, but not at someone else's expense.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:49AM] Chasmia: I'm going to be fine.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:50AM] Jeff: I want you to be happy too
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:51AM] Chasmia: our friendship is done. I can't justs be friends with you, and my heart can't take being trampled any more I am sorry that I'm not strong enough to let the friendship go on.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:52AM] Jeff: sigh...I'm sorry to hear that :(
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:52AM] Chasmia: you honestly should understand it.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:52AM] Jeff: I understand it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:53AM] Jeff: but I wish it wasn't true
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:53AM] Chasmia: My love is so real.and it isn't a toy to be played with. I barely survived my last meltdown over you. I've been strong this time, but I can't take a next time.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:54AM] Jeff: I understand
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:55AM] Chasmia: now go sleep. it's 2am.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:55AM] Jeff: I'm sick
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:55AM] Chasmia: yeah me too
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:55AM] Jeff: been sick since Friday night
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:55AM] Chasmia: me too
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:56AM] Jeff: not sure it's the flu, but it's similar
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:56AM] Chasmia: mine is the flu.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:56AM] Jeff: sorry to hear that
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:56AM] Jeff: hope you feel better
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:56AM] Chasmia: you knew it already from reading my blog.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:57AM] Jeff: yes, I read it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:57AM] Jeff: still sorry to hear it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:58AM] Chasmia: I would like to know what you thought the deadline was supposed to be all about
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:58AM] Jeff: it was about me choosing
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:59AM] Chasmia: You assumed it was marriage as well. I never assumed you could jump right in
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:59AM] Chasmia: and I resent you comparing me to Amber in that respect'
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [12:59AM] Jeff: because your blog said so
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:00AM] Chasmia: I didn't. I said I wanted you to choose between me and her.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:00AM] Jeff: and you hoped that it included me asking you to move here
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:00AM] Chasmia: Yes, eventually I did want marriage, but dammit, as crazy as I am, I can sometimes be rational.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:00AM] Jeff: and to become my finance
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:01AM] Chasmia: Okay. I feel low for ever trusting you enough to assume you wanted to marry me.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:01AM] Chasmia: I am sorry
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:02AM] Chasmia: I wanted the deadline to be a new beginning for us
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:02AM] Chasmia: I didn't want to share you any more
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:02AM] Chasmia: I thought I was worth it
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:03AM] Chasmia: I thought you loved me too, and I thought that people who loved each other would want to be together
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:04AM] Chasmia: I swear to god that I meant no harm to anyone
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:04AM] Jeff: I know
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:04AM] Chasmia: no, you don't know
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:05AM] Chasmia: else your entry wouldn't have been what it was
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:05AM] Chasmia: I never wanted to force myself on you
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:05AM] Chasmia: I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to be loved solely
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:05AM] Chasmia: I have to go now. I can't stop crying.
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:05AM] Chasmia: take care
Tuesday: February 08, 2005 [01:05AM] *** You have been disconnected. Tue Feb 08 01:05:54 2005.

Having posted that..

I miss him and it freaking hurts. It hurts so damned badly.

I found myself apologizing for wanting to take a 2 year relationship to the next level and apologizing for forcing myself on him. Why did I do that? Who should ever have to apologize for loving someone?

It hurts so much now though, and I can no longer hide behind the anger any more. In fact, that anger was my only shield from the pain and it was my only path to self worth, and now that it's gone, I'm back to being vulnerable and needy and broken.

I spoke with Clara about some of it tonight. She was so good about things but man, again, I just don't know who to trust. I keep going to anyone - anyone that'll listen to me and offer a crumb of attention and empathy -- with the hopes that someone will eventually want to listen to me and mean it when they say to me that they love me no matter what. I've been lied to so many times by people who have claimed to care about me (Jeff, Miles, Mike, Mom, Grandma) that I just don't know who is safe to believe in.

The fact remains that yes, I love Jeff so much and I want him to love me back. However, it's also very clear that he does not want to love me the way I want to be loved. I'll always be second best, and I just can't handle that.

I also have the feeling that he's going to leave me alone now. I know that it's very clear to him that he's really hurt me and I know that he's very aware of my vulnerability. He doesn't handle emotions very well and runs from them any time they're offered to him - whether they're good or bad. He also hides when he knows that he's hurt me. I keep trying to convince myself that he hides from my emotions because he can't handle the guilt of knowing that he's caused them, but when I come to my senses, I realize that he runs simply because he just doesn't want to deal with emotions at all.

The tears are going to overwhelm me today. I keep imagining him sitting on the couch watching a movie with his wife - cuddling with her. I keep imagining her telling him that she's ready to start sleeping with him, and I keep imagining him saying how he's the happiest man in the world to know it. I keep thinking how awful I am to have ever wanted to come in between the chance of he and his wife becoming the couple that I've personally wished for myself. I keep remembering how much of a lowlife I felt for wanting to be loved and assuming that I had any right to ask that of him or anyone.

If I could just get angry again.... If I could just walk down that path to self worth...

Whatever the case, I have let the tears flow once today, but I fought with them and finally got them back under control. I'm not going to be able to stop the tears once they start again, though. I am sure of it.

It's really cold

2005-01-06T21:07:00.000-06:00

If I felt worthless before, I feel worse now.

I'm so afraid to write about what's bothering me, so I won't.

I'm going to paste this diary back over on the other site and just get rid of it.

I love Jeff. I love his beautiful eyes and I want them to always look at me with happiness. I love that little mustache (which is strange, because I hate facial hair) and how soft it is when it brushes against my cheek.

It's dinner time.

He was pissed

2005-01-06T04:30:00.000-06:00

ugh... he was pissed..

It's funny how I'm so brave when we argue and oh how I think I can live happily without him when we've argued. Gosh, even 24 hours later, I can sometimes set my jaw and become a stubborn little mule when it comes to him. But give it 2 days, or just a little more than 24 hours and I am an absolute mess.

Something is different now, though. I read back over my entries on the other site and even here and I saw all of those times that we'd fight and how I'd want to die. I'd pray to die, even. But now, I don't want that. I don't pray to die. I don't even want to die. Sure, it hurts badly and I have such a hard time coping, but I just haven't wanted to die - not since he dumped me on Christmas night.

Don't read any kind of lack of feeling there, and don't read resentment either, because it isn't either of those. I have no idea what it is, but I know that I don't feel that way when we fight any more. Sure, I still cry and I feel awful, but never ever to that extent.

What has changed? My feelings for him? Have I shut that part of me off? Does it mean I'm getting healthier or that maybe the relationship is moving to a more healthy situation? Does it mean I don't care or does it mean that I've just put that super-sensitive part away where it is safe? I don't know. I just know that I haven't wanted to die after we fight and maybe that lack of absolute despair is a good thing.

I love Jeff. I love him so deeply. Somewhere, amid all of his frustrations with me, I think he knows that I love him unconditionally. I don't know if he thinks that's a good thing, but I think he does know it - even if we're fighting to the point that one of us gets pissed and walks away.

I still don't know that he loves me. I mean, sure, there are times when I am absolutely convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that he loves me so strongly that it tears him apart to think about being away from me. But at the same time, there are just as many times that I feel that he can't seem to get rid of me fast enough. I know that he still is unable to give me 'all' of him. I don't know if that's bad or if it's good, but there is something that stops him from taking that last final step of trust with me. I'm not talking marriage (though I don't think he is brave enough to marry me), but moreso just turning himself entirely over to me - trusting me with his heart and with who he is and what he feels.

I still love him, though. I said to him tonight that things were starting to look as if they were heading down the same path that my relationship with Tom was. By that, I didn't mean that I thought that Jeff was going to be with some other woman and lie to me about it. I meant that the overall feeling of being a bother is there and that I feel that I get the brush off. I'm dreading the time I hear Jeff say to me "Uh no, you aren't welcomed to be with me. I'd rather be with my friends than you" and then push me out the door. I'm dreading the day he groans at just the thought of my presence. That's what I mean when I say that things were starting to look as if they were heading down the same path as with Tom. Be *very* clear that I'm not saying that he does those things to me, but know that I have that same unwanted feeling at times and I fear what will become of it.

But even though I list his faults so many times, I have such a deep, and strong love for the good things about him. There are so many wonderful things about my Jeff and I sometimes don't tell him about those good things. He doesn't seem to really handle them well - or maybe he just isn't used to hearing them and doesn't know how to react - but I know that I need to keep telling him.

I love him. I love him. I love him!

I love his sparkling eyes and the way they shined at me when I first met him.

I love this silky, soft hair with just a light sprinkle of grey peppered in, and the way it feels when I stroke my fingers through it.

I love how his voice is unusual, yet so beautifully gentle and sweet when he calls me his baby.

I love that when we're together in person, he's *always* touching me. His hands are always reaching out to touch mine and he always *ALWAYS* holds my hand when we're walking together.

I love that he makes me laugh when we're together in person - how he plays video games roughly with me but still makes me laugh so hard that I can't wait to play with him and lose again just so that we can laugh more.

I love that when I've cried in person, he has kissed me and held me and loved me and comforted me. He doesn't let me go until I have stopped crying and am cradled safely in his arms.

I love that he hasn't made my arthritis out to be a bother to him. It has to be - it *has* to be - yet he never makes me feel that way when we're together. He doesn't grunt or look at me with disgust if he has to help me with my shoes or push me in a wheelchair. Instead, he holds me and makes me feel attractive.

I love the way that he obsesses over sports (well, even if he doesn't obsess over my Sooners, hehe) and I love watching his face totally light up when he talks about his teams. It's like watching a kid getting to play in his first little league game.

I love that he wants me to be pleased when we're in bed - and never fails to satisfy me.

I love his love for his kitties.

---------

Oddly enough, I love that he hates Mike. I can't explain why I love it other than the fact that maybe it's jealousy (well, I hope that's what it is) and maybe there is a little fear of losing me to him. I don't know if that is the case - he never really has told me - but I like that he doesn't like him. For some sick, twisted, yet strangely consoling way, I take comfort in the fact that he doesn't like Mike.

And speaking of Mike, I yelled at him tonight when he scolded me. I told him to shut the hell up because he had no room to criticize Jeff when Mike did much worse to Nita. I told him that until he learned how to love someone more than himself, he will never have any room to criticize anyone else. Well okay, I didn't yell at him, but I was very very blunt with him and I did use those words with him.

He toyed with me. When I needed a friend, he freaking toyed with me. Yeah, he listened to me cry and empathised better than anyone ever has, but the very next day he was cold and behaved as if I didn't exist. It confused me. He would tell me that he wanted me on one day and then tell me otherwise the next day. I never knew where I stood with him, and at a time when I needed to feel wanted by someone, he would behave as if I didn't exist.

So now, I've gotten everything about Mike off my chest. I won't be mentioning him again.

------

On a final note, my Sooners really laid an egg. :) I should be all sad, but for some ungodly reason, it makes me laugh. They looked like the Keystone Cops on the field and USC had a field day with that. The final score was USC 55, OU 19.

Humble pie served with a big helping of crow will do the Sooner fans (and me) some good. The Longhorn fans are giving us grief and the OSU fans are giving us grief which is really pretty funny. It's renewing bad blood between OU and Texas (it'll be fun to hate them again) and giving OSU fans something to make fun of us for (coz well, they haven't really had anything to return fire with).

I rock with stupidity

2005-01-05T20:27:00.000-06:00

So I rushed to get myself a set of new drives at WalMart yesterday and had planned on putting them in after the football game. Well, I watched the end of the football game in bed, and since Jeff hadn't spoken to me, I just stayed there and didn't get up again till today sometime.

The bad thing: the storm knocked our power out and it was ice cold today while all of my trees are covered in the prettiest shimmering ice on the trees. No electricity = no drives.

Finally, I got electricity again and I tore my computer down to put in the new drives. They were the wrong freaking kind! Serves me right for not being willing to learn enough about computer hardware to buy the right stuff.

Sooooo, I had to wait till Frank got home so that he could help me pick out the right crap for my computer. My computer stuff has all been ordered. Windows XP, new motherboard, new chip, new burner, new reader, and memory - all for a mere 400. *beams*

I still haven't heard from Jeff. New updates were issued on CoH yesterday which totally explains why Jeff ignored me yesterday. Today, not a word has come from him either. I assume that he's read my blog and is pissed at me. However, it is no excuse not to make some kind of effort to get in touch with me and make me feel wanted like he promised he would.

I sent him a text message about 5 minutes ago to ask him why he was doing this to me. He hasn't responded yet but he really hasn't had time. I'm assuming that he has his phone with him. If nothing comes from him, I'll send an IM to him. If that fails, I give up and will live with the idea that our relationship was over forever - because we both agreed that if we ever broke up, we would be broken up forever.

If he answers, great. I'll feel better and will be willing to stand up against those who continue to tell me that Jeff is toying with me and that he's a jerk. If he doesn't answer, *sigh* I just don't know.

I'm confused and hurt but don't feel hopeless. I *know* I can make it without him. I always have.

He's Back...

2005-01-04T21:43:00.000-06:00

...and he's up to his old tricks again.

For 3 nights, he's been a jerk The first night - well I wrote about it, and I felt okay with it. Surely it wasn't the start of things to come. But well, judging by what's happened insice then, I can only assume that yes, it was the precursor of what was to come.

Nothing was fixed when we fought the other night. The only thing that happened was that we both admitted that it was hard for us. He didn't address my issues but again stated he would just play CoH when I wasn't online. That sucked. He said he'd play WoW with me just as long as I didn't abandon him there and then get upset with him if he didn't quit. Yeah, thanks Jeff. I promised him whatever, but he changed his mind and wouldn't make me promise anything.

I totally knew he wouldn't leave that game. I knew he didn't wanna play with me, soooo, the next day I decided to be nice and simply tell him not to worry about WoW and to just play CoH. I thought I was being nice, because dammit, it sure as hell isn't what I wanted. But no, he jumped my case and the old Jeff appeared again.

He was mean. God he was mean. His overall tone was nasty. I ended up in tears again and once again, he didn't give a damn. He totally brushed over my tears again. I fought with him again, but he didn't change. He didn't fucking care. He said he was sorry and then blamed everything on his apnea. He said he wanted to lose weight because he feels that his weight is directly affecting his sleeping habits.. I offered to help him. *sigh* A nice, cold "Thank you for offering to help me" was issued but that was that. I gave up and went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Yeah I'm still hurt that he won't give up that game. Yeah, I'm hurt that he hadn't bought World of Warcraft to play with me. Yeah, I'm still second to that game and yes, I'm still his emotional whipping post. I asked him what I could do to make it better for him. He told me to trust in him, but how can I trust what he tells me when he has yet to fulfill his promises to me.

Yes, he's great for a couple of days and I really want to believe him when he tells me that he wants us to work. But no, time and time again, he proves to me otherwise. After 4 days of trying, he's back to being the old Jeff and I'm back to going to bed feeling empty. He told me that he'd never refuse to answer my text messages because of CoH, and maybe that's true. Instead, he chooses not to answer them at all.

I started being flirty with him and even offered him sex if my football team won tonight. He never bothered to answer my text message. So maybe he didn't hear it - I gotta give him the benefit of the doubt, right? Gotta give him credit for sending me 1 whole text message today and who knows? Maybe my service is screwing up again because of the weather. He didn't answer any of my comments about the game "Make it stop" either. Maybe he was on the train and couldn't get service.

My IMs today went unanswered too. He's busy at work, right? He just isn't much of a talker, right? They could've gotten lost, right? *sigh*

So today, day number three, I asked him if he got World of Warcraft yet. Nope, he hasn't. When has he had time? My CD drives were broke (never mind that one of my freaking IMs to him was to tell him I bought new ones and was gonna put them in after the football game) so he didn't need to buy it yet. I should believe him when he says he wants to play with me even though he doesn't buy the game, right?

Yeah, the old Jeff is back and he even told me not to start a fight with him tonight. I agreed and told him he was right. I'm going to be respectful and not fight with him. When he tells me that I twist things in my blog, I'll sit quietly and let him rant, or I'll sit there while he blows off steam.

The old Jeff is back and he's hurting me again. Right now, I am angry. Right now, I know I deserve better. Right now, and every other freaking time, I am paying for trusting him all while being yelled at for not trusting him. Mike and Morgan both warned me about him but no, I wanted to follow my heart.

I'm alone again tonight. We're having an ice storm and are expecting to lose electricity by morning. My bed is empty still. My heart got stepped on again. I am a neglected fool. I'm also most likely to pay for this entry and will probably end up crying because I wrote it and pissed Jeff off simply by posting what's on my heart.

No, it isn't that he can't give me what I need. It's because he doesn't freaking want to.

---------------

OU is losing the national title game again. :) Oh, they're losing baaaaadly. USC has shut down Jason White and Adrian Peterson. I would be troubled by it normally, but before the game, I kinda had a bad feeling about things. The BCS is never ever wrong about the number one team - only all of the others - and well, USC was number one.

This crow tastes good.

He forgot to tell me off?

2005-01-03T03:38:00.000-06:00

Well, no, he didn't forget to do anything. He simply just didn't do it and I'm in utter shock. In fact, for the first time in months, he did not say "I'm not in the mood for this" and he did not leave me hanging. He sat up until we were finished arguing and I'm in total shock because I honestly do not feel as if my world has ended. Why? Because he actually made a huge effort tonight and he actually sat through things to work them out.

The fight was over CoH (*sigh* have I mentioned that I hate that game yet?) again. He made a quick (and harmless) comment about my last entry. He said "A little bitter about CoH?" and that sent me into utter panic mode. That told me that A> he had been reading this blog, and B> he would focus only on the negative crap about CoH and totally miss the part where I talk about how much I want to give him love and affection. It told me that we were going to get into another argument and I had no idea what was going to happen. It *scared* me. It *scared* me that he was gonna get pissed and take off.

The first thing I did was snap to quick apologies to him about how I'm sorry my entry hurt him and how I wouldn't write any more and how it gets me into trouble and oh how sorry I was for hurting him. I've done that for so long out of reflex that I hadn't really thought about why I immediately apologized no matter who was at fault. It stems back to Tom and how he used to threaten to leave me all the time. I didn't want him to go and would've done anything to keep him so I *always* apologized desperately with the hopes that he'd not get mad enough to leave me. *sigh* I know Jeff doesn't want me to feel that kind of desperation. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't want me to feel that way. I did it anyway and kinda feel a little bad for feeling that quick sense of desperation. That's me = Venus, Queen of Guilt Complexes of her own making.

He told me not to stop writing. He said that I should continue to write because it lets him understand what my state of mind is because he says I hide it from him. I don't know what that means except that sometimes, when I'm upset with him, I say nothing because I am terrified of fighting with him and chasing him off. However, I fail miserably every single time and ultimately he figures it out.

However, during the rest of the conversation, I was not ovely appreciating what I was hearing. He told me that if he continued to play CoH, he wouldn't tell me about it. UGH! What I wanted to hear was "Baby, I am done with it now, just like I promised", but you know, I let him out of that promise so I really have nobody to blame except myself if he continues to play.

He told me: please don't take this the wrong way, but um...I'll promise to play WOW with you if you promise to not quit it and yell at me later if I keep playing it.

That offended me. What it said to me was "I'll play with you but I won't leave it if you do because you aren't important enough." That really sucked and I made it clear during that entire argument that I didn't appreciate it. I felt it was rude, so we got into our first argument since we got back together.

We both said things that we felt needed to be said. He said that he felt that I didn't give him enough credit, and like the broken record that I am, I said that I feel unimportant to him. I hammered at him for not making me feel wanted and hammered at him for not giving me attention. He told me that I had abandoned him in CoH.

I was angry and I was very clear about letting him know. At the same time, it was hurting my feelings and ultimately, I broke down in tears *yet again* over that game and the way it makes us both behave. He totally ignored me when I said that I was crying and instead said something about how he doesn't like to express how he feels because it always led to a fight.

But something happened. No, he did not run to me and say I'm sorry I walked all over your feelings, and no, I didn't say that "I'm sorry that I don't give you enough credit." Instead, we did something much more beneficial. We both admitted how difficult this was for us to handle. We both admitted that we had a lot of work ahead of us because we don't seem to 'get each other'. Why was that beneficial? Because we both acknowledged that we both are having a hard time. We both acknowledged that the other one is having a difficult time.

At that point, I wondered if we were good for each other. Jeff said that he had wondered too, but that it probably wasn't uncommon during a relationship. I don't know why, but just the last part of that sentence gave me a small sense of security. It just didn't say "I give up because I don't think we're good for each other." but instead said "You know, I think we're going to be okay."

Maybe I'm wrong about his feelings tonight, but even though the argument wasn't any fun, I didn't really feel like either of us had to give up very much of ourselves in order to make the other one feel better. I feel that way because he sat there and listened to me when I told him that he was invalidating my feelings. I feel that way because he didn't cut me off and say "I'm not in the mood for this". I feel that way because I was at least able to tell him that I appreciate him and that I was giving him credit for sticking the argument out instead of walking away from him. I felt that ultimately, I gave him credit for trying to fix things for us and then stated that I too needed to try.

This "changed man" has flaws, but oh how I love him and he honestly made me feel that he loved me. He did not tell me I had flaws - in fact, he hasn't pointed out my neediness and did not make me feel like such an awful burden (even though I know that I am hugely flawed and that I am a huge burden).

Our argument tonight really didn't clear up any bad feelings about CoH. However, I don't feel broken. I don't feel horrible. I don't feel like I'm a slug. Why not? Because he sat down and talked to me and he even apologized that we spent so much time fighting. I admitted to him that I had spent so much time trying to get him to see things through my eyes that I had totally failed to look at things through his eyes. He admitted that it was hard.

Maybe this entry doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe, when people read over it (including Jeff and Morgan and the other people that give me advice), they'll miss the whole point of the entry which is to point out just how awesomely wonderful it is that not only did Jeff stay in the conversation and not walk away from it, but he listened to me, and I did to him. How long has it been since that happened?

It feels good. No, not the fight - the fight sucked and I still hate CoH and wish that Jeff would stop playing - but the fact that he actually sat there and talked to me instead of cutting me off and leaving me hanging by saying "I'm not in the mood for this." That's a *HUGE* change and one that has given me some hope for us. I know it's hard for him to stay there while we fight and I know that it took a huge effort. I also know that it took a huge effort for me to admit to him that I have a lot of work to do too because to be honest, I'm not half as perfect as I seem to preach myself to be.

With that, my writings here are going to slow down. No, I'm not moving them and I'm not going to keep writing somewhere else. I have hope right now and I think that is what has been missing for a very long time. With that new hope, I pray that a sense of security will come.

I will write again after I've seen Jeff in person again, and I'll most likely write again when we argue. However, something's different now. Something has changed and it feels good and I certainly plan on enjoying it instead of staying here wallowing in my misery.

I love you, Jeff. Thank you so much for making the effort not to cut me off and leave me in the cold. Thank you for not making me feel like a bother. You have no idea just how much the changes have done for me. I feel better - not perfect or even totally secure, but better about us. I feel better about me, too, and you're helping me with that. I love you so much.

----------------------------------

Oh, and before I forget: Screw you, SEC. You guys suck and you just *wish* you were as good as the Big XII. Texas Tech and Texas both send their regards to you, Auburn, and they hope you have better luck next year at the Weedeater Bowl. And to you, LSU, thank you for taking our useless garbage into your folds. Les Miles and LSU will stink up your conference next year. Too bad that classy teams such as Bama and South Carolina have to belong to such an awful conference.

Why do I say that? Because one of your crack head sports writers in Tennessee decided to mention how the SEC was superior to Big XII and then stated that Kentucky would wipe the floor with Texas and OU.

PS: Dear Alabama and South Carolina, please leave the SEC and come join us. We'll kick out Colorado and OSU for you guys, and we promise not to laugh too hard when Nebraska's coach calls you 'fucking hillbillies' coz well, that just means you're family. :)

For You, My Tiger Friends

2005-01-02T20:43:00.000-06:00

Prepare to become the Aggies of the SEC. Lemme help you get into the proper mindset.

Big orange cowboy hats will be replaced with big yellow tiger foam hats and stories like this one will soon appear about your fans on bulletin boards everywhere.

I can't wait to see how the SEC schools start treating Les Miles. It's gonna be fun :)

--------

So Jeff reached max level on CoH today. He was quite thrilled to be there even though he said it was nothing that great. There you go, buddy. That's what you ignored me for months for. That's the thing I suffered because of. Now I can unleash the rest of my absolute disgust for that piece of shit game and what it did to our relationship. *sigh* I hope it means that the game is gone. I absolutely hope so. I can not handle it if he continues to play with his little characters or creates new ones.

God, I'm bitter about that game. I hate what his obsession with it did to us. I hate that our breakup was the absolute only reason he'd stop giving that stupid game more attention than me. I hate that when I had asked him to stop, he told me no, yet said that he was only in it because he had nothing else better to do - a fucking lie because he had plenty of opportunity to play other games (such as WoW) and absolutely refused to play them because he was so freaking obsessed with CoH. I even spent the day wondering why he wouldn't answer my text messages and had assumed that it was because of that stupid game and his obsession with it.

At least my assumptions were wrong and that he did answer my text messages,. It's just that they took hours to get here due to some freak problems with my cellular network.

So he's maxed out his character. I hope he never ever feels the neglect I felt because of it. I deserve to do quite a bit of screaming about it and I swear that if things hadn't have been so good these past few days, I *would* go ballistic on him now that he's done. *sigh* At least I hope he's done with it.

As much as I wanna bitch about that game, though, I won't do it any more today. I'm waiting for Jeff to wake up from his nap so that I can reach out and and spend some quiet, special time with him - to make him feel as if I were holding him, because that's exactly what I want him to make me feel.

I told Mom today that Jeff was coming to OKC soon. I still can't tell if my sister has told her about Jeff's marital status because I can't seem to read anything in Mom's comments. My sister told me flat-out that she absolutely refuses to support me being with Jeff and she absolutely does not want me near him. I'm assuming, though, that since my sister doesn't support it, Mom certainly won't either and would get very very nasty with me if she knew anything so.. maybe she knows nothing and hopefully it'll stay that way.

I love Jeff. I love him very much. Maybe my love for him will be enough to make everyone happy. Maybe my love for him will be rewarded with an engagement ring and a request that I move to DC to be with him. I hope so, anyway. I'll know for certain in April, I guess.

I went to my sister's house for dinner tonight. She made burgers and hot dogs on the grill and then made home made french fries. Mmmm. My family may be screwed up but there is no doubt in my mind that they all love each other. My sister especially cares for me and Mom and her kids love us very much.

I am thankful to have my family. Sure, they're screwed up and have done some nasty things to me. Sure, we're all crazy and have enough emotional baggage for 50 people. However, there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that we all love each other and we all wish that each one of us could live the life we've each dreamed of. I've lost my dad and I am so very tired of my dad's mother torturing the rest of my family, but I have my mother, brother, sister, brother in law, soon to be sister-in-law, and 3 nieces. They all love me and they want what's best for me.

Happy New Year

2005-01-02T03:42:00.000-06:00

What a wonderful beginning to the new year!

I'm a big college football nut, and it was great to see Texas win the Rose Bowl to shut up all of those jerks who liked to insult us because we 'don't belong' there because we aren't Pac 10 or Big 10. Truth be known, we don't belong there because our conference deserves to play in a better place and not in a place that's used to seeing cupcakes playing.

On top of that, word is that the Oklahoma State coach is leaving to go be head coach for LSU. This has got to be the greatest news for any Sooner! It isn't that we're afraid of that coach, but he's so damned annoying and he has encouraged OSU fans to be whiners and abusers. When he goes to LSU, he'll already have a fan base that does that, so he can concentrate of coaching the team. I'm glad he's leaving. I'm angrily sick of him and want that crazy bastard to get the hell out of my state.

My sister and her husband came over today to eat chili with us. They had called to invite us over for burgers and hot dogs, but Mom had already made the chili, so she invited them to join us instead. I was glad they came!

Supposedly, my sister wasn't hungover, but geez, with the amount of alcohol she drank last night, I'm amazed that she isn't dead. She must've had 5 long island teas while I was there, plus like 4 jello shots. She was utterly smashed. She had thrown a New Year's Eve party and invited me and Mom plus some of her friends over to ring in the new year.

Unfortunately, I really don't like going over to my sister's house because it smells of cat urine and the noise is way too much for me to take. On *quiet* days, the radio blares the loudest and most nerve-wracking music while her tv blares and her phone rings, and both her daughters blare their stereos in their rooms at max volume. Add in alcohol and the fact that alcohol makes everyone talk so loudly and you've got a clear understanding why I don't like going over there. Plus, the house is always kind of crowded and cluttered, so I'm never comfortable.

I couldn't get out of going to her house for New Year's Eve though. I really didn't wanna go and never really do, but my other choices were to either A> call my friend Frank and risk him attempting to kiss me for New Year's Eve, or B> stay at home with Mom and feel miserable. Besides, all of my sister's friends had backed out at the last minute, so I had to go to her place just to make sure she didn't feel bad.

The noise was excruciating. They blared music so loud that I'm surprised that the police didn't come, and my god, my sister was drunk and yelling like nuts. I just couldn't handle it any more, so when Mom said she was ready to go home at 10 till midnight, I jumped up and got the heck out of there as fast as possible. I walked in the house just in time to see the Oklahoma City ball drop on tv.

I came home and spent the rest of the evening with Jeff.

God, what a change he has been displaying! This is so incredible! He tells me he loves me and plays with me. He still lacks the romantic gene, but he is making up for it by making sure that he shows me that he loves me. I don't feel alone. I don't feel empty. I don't feel as if I am a nuisance. Instead, I feel wanted and needed because he makes me feel that way.

I got a text message from him yesterday (or day before) asking me "Are you still awake Sweet Angel?". Last night, he went to the store and texted messaged me just in case he missed me before I left and to say he loved me. He's been calling me sweet princess and tells me he loves me over and over and over again. God, it's so touching. It's so wonderful.

I don't feel that this is too good to be true like I did when he was being sweet the last time. Why? Because he told me this time that he's lucky to have me. He's told me that he's a changed man - and then has proven that he is.

He really makes me feel as if he wants to see me and has mentioned something about seeing me (well except today) every single time we talk. Why didn't he mention it today? Simple. He was online with me and being sweet and loving. He told me today that he thought I was cute :) He's making me feel so special and so wanted.

He's still set on going on a cruise in February. I'm really not sure that's a good idea and I'm not even sure that he'll be able to take off work to go. I think March would be a better time to go on a cruise. The weather is a bit nicer and we will have more opportunity to go to more locations. By March, he will have possibly accumulated more time off, as well. I need to suggest late March to him when we talk tomorrow. I think it's a better idea.

He has also talked about coming to OKC in a couple of weeks. I told him that no, I will not go anywhere with him until he comes to Oklahoma City and sees my family and I really think he's going to do it!

I've been trying to think of something nice to do for Valentine's Day. Sure, it's still like 6 weeks away, but I want to do something really nice and sweet for him. Nita suggested staying at Sybaris. When I went to the Sybaris Site, I immediately freaked out at how amazingly beautiful those places look. Suites with hot tubs and swimming pools in them. They were incredible! However, they're in FL, WI, and IL and with me being in Oklahoma and Jeff being in Virginia, and with his upcoming trip to Oklahoma City and then the cruise, I have no idea when we'd ever get to go to a place like that - certainly not for Valentine's Day.

One last thing before I head out to get some sleep. There's nothing funnier than watching an insane idiot make himself look like a bigger insane idiot. Here's to you, Les Miles, and may your new fans at LSU always have the look on their faces as Mr Stunned Aggy does.

I am so overwhelmed

2004-12-30T13:12:00.000-06:00

Two nights ago, I couldn't even eat or sleep. Jeff was screwing with my head and my heart was broken.

Now, I'm trying to convince myself that this is real.

I had made it a point to refuse to initiate conversation with him. I had to heal. I had to make it through and be strong. I couldn't keep running back to him after all of this time. It had always been my pattern - to suffer from a huge fightt with Jeff and then walk away, only to come crawling back on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness (whether I had done something wrong or not). I was always left doubting my self worth and was constantly feeling unwanted because Jeff would turn cold on me and would act like I was a big bother when I asked for attention. I was always crying and I was always alone.

When Jeff left me, I was devastated. I was completely and utterly devastated. Christmas night (well, officially the early morning after) was awful for me because that's when he left me. You know, the fact that it was Christmas night didn't really bother me much. I would've reacted the same if he had left me on one=legged midget day. What ate at me was the fact that he left me.

He had told me he saw no hope for us just a few days earlier. He said that if things didn't change, he saw no hope for us; yet I saw absolutely no hope of things changing for the better, so I knew that it was soon going to end.

So.. I hadn't spoken to him. I just couldn't. It hurt. I had to be strong. I absolutely had to be strong no matter how weak I felt. When he'd try to talk to me at first, I simply wouldn't answer his text messages. I wanted to but I knew that I shouldn't, so I didn't. Things changed after I got an IM from him the night after the "I'm so lame" message I mentioned in my last entry.

He had been in San Francisco doing some kind of install of a program that he wrote for the DOJ, and he was unhappy that he was still there at the EPA at 4:15 local time. It made me laugh. He's the only man in the world that I know of who gets paid for sitting in his office playing video games. He rarely puts in a full 8 hour day and usually doesn't make it to work before 10am. It's really a nice job to have, but he hates having to put in a full day. So anyway, he was complaining about still being at the EPA and I made some light-hearted comment about him needing to put in a full day's work. He seemed pretty confident in the fact that he never had to do it before and didn't overly want to do it now. I thought it was funny anyway.

He had taken a picture of himself blowing me a kiss while at the EPA. I couldn't understand why he would do that. He dumped me and he knew that I needed time alone. He had hurt me and thrown me away, yet he was blowing me kisses and sending pictures of it to me. The picture itself was really cute. It was very obvious that he wasn't feeling very well because he had dark circles under his eyes, but he still looked every bit as sweet to me as he did the first time we met. It kinda pulled at my heart.

So in his IMs to me, he mentioned the fact that he took a pic and sent it to me out of boredom. I guess that I wanted to hurt him, so I made a rude comment: next time you have to leave, be sure to take a copy of CoH with you so that you won't be so bored and can make it through the day. I then told him to go visit my friend Amy and told him that she lived out there.. He said no thank you.

The conversation kept going and I don't know, it just seemed to turn to sadness. He offered to quit playing CoH when I was online. He said that he knew that wasn't our biggest problem but that he knew that it was one of them. He also said that things have felt empty without me. I reminded him that I had felt that way for a long time. He also offered to come to OKC within the next few weeks and mentioned going on a cruise and that he wanted me to go. It broke my heart, really, because I wanted to rush to him and agree to let him come here and work on fixing things. But I sensed his sadness and I felt that he wouldn't have offered those things to me if he weren't so sad. I felt that they were offerings of desperation and that too made me sad because I recognized the acts of desperation from my own experiences when we'd fight.

He said he had been a bastard and that he felt that I deserved more than what I had been getting. He apologized for the past two weeks but said that he recognized that our problems went further back and wanted to apologize for these past two weeks especially. By that time, I was absolutely beside myself. I wanted to rush to him. I wanted that so badly but was so overwhelmed by the things that he was saying that I didn't know what to say or do. He said he didn't want to give up on us and he knew it had been especially hard on me.

He wanted to be better, he said. He did not want to be without me. Just that last bit was enough to shock me into total numbness. During the last 6 months of our relationship, he's done nothing but push me away. He had even told me that he couldn't handle just standing around talking and that he (I don't have the exact words here, so please, understand the general meaning instead of the exact words) didn't need me to be happy. He told me on more than one occasion that he was selfish and needed time to himself. To hear him say that he didn't want to be without me really did throw me for a loop. It was nothing I had given up hope of ever getting to hear from him.

After a few hours of talking, I was left totally overwhelmed. He said things to me that were 100 percent opposite of what he had told me just a week before. He said things that I never in my life thought I'd ever hear coming from him. He said he'd play World of Warcraft with me or whatever I wanted. That blew my mind too.

I had absolutely no idea how to react. There were a bunch of emotions stirring inside of me. I was angry because of the hurt he put me through and because I had endured so much because of him. I was sad because I had lost the one man that I loved more than I thought ever possible. I was overjoyed to hear him say the things to me (finally) that I had begged for during the past six months. I was scared that it wasn't real and that in the morning, things would be bad again. I was so confused.

The strongest emotion in my heart is love, and I have always been very protective of it. I build up walls around my heart so that nobody can get inside and break it I've very rarely ever trusted anyone to take care of my heart I have only given my heart willingly to someone twice, and the first time, I was crushed badly, so I locked my heart away in a very dark place. Jeff was the second man to have ever had my heart given entirely to him and he not only broke it, but he spit on it, and kicked it, and stomped on it. He did not treasure it. He scarred it. Yet somehow, my heart still held feelings for him.

Now that he was saying those things to me, I just didn't know how to handle it. My heart pounded, yet I was too scared to open my heart again. He asked to call me and said he wanted to hear my voice, but I wouldn't let him call. I didn't want to cry any more and I certainly didn't want Mom to hear me crying. We eventually continued talking and even after he went back to his hotel room, we sat up and talked online and eventually on the phone.

We got back together, but I told him that if we split up one more time, it has to be for good. He said that he agreed and that he can't put me through this again. I asked him if I could count on him to honor his promise to have some kind of decision about our future by our anniversary in April. He said that yes, I could count on him for that.

During our conversation that night, his picture was sent to me over the phone 3 more times. Neither of us could figure out why it sent multiple times, but it never failed that the pictures of him blowing me a kiss would show up when I wanted an extra feeling of love and security.

He said that he wanted to give me love and security! He said that he believes in our love and had some faith in our future because he loves me - more stuff that was opposite from just a week ago.

We've spoken on the phone twice since then. I've heard his voice and it's tender again, like it was when we first got together. He is saying things to me that I've said to him many times and have craved hearing from him - "Can I call you? I want to hear your voice." - and on many fronts, it scares me. Everything has totally overwhelmed me to the point that I am very very unsure.

He told me that he created a secondary account on There.com just to check on me to make sure that I was okay without causing me any more pain. He hasn't worried about my well-being in months - MONTHS. I also think he's reading my blog because I'm suddenly getting messages of encouragement and hugs.

This is a different Jeff. This is the Jeff I fell in love with, not the one that has stomped on me for months. Can I trust him to stay here and not let the other Jeff return? Can I trust him with my heart? Can I trust the relationship to radiate again from both of us instead of just me?

I don't want to make him prove his love for me. I don't want to test our relationship. I just want to feel secure. I just want to feel that yes, he does love me and want me. He's made me feel that way for 2 days now. I want to be able to make it just as special for him as he's making it for me, and I want to make sure not to take for granted that this tenderness is going to last. I want to feed and nuture the feelings. However, I am so very scared. I am scared to let my heart feel protected and safe. I'm even scared to love him full force again. But, I know that in order for everything to work, I have to trust him and love him with everything I have.

---------

A side note: Yes, Mike is still an ass. Two nights ago, he was on my case about even talking to Jeff and then turned cold on me. Two nights ago, he didn't even seem to even flirt with me and seemed almost aghast at the thought of any sort of relationship with me. His mixed signals suck, and for that reason alone, he is an ass.

I am angry that he scolded me for talking to Jeff. Sure, he is just being protective, but his behavior is so confusing that it's almost as harmful as what Jeff's had been. Morgan says that she thinks it's 'courtship' on Mike's behalf. Let it be courtship (if that's what it is), but it is unappealing and hurtful. I don't want to be near him or even see his name for a while, and honestly, if he says anything even remotely rude to Jeff, I'm going to get incredibly nasty with him.

On the other hand, if Morgan wants to continue being protective of me, I'm fine with that. She claims to not like him, but when Jeff and I work things out, she's *always* the one cheering the loudest for us. She's *incredible* and is so understanding and supportive of me. She wants me to be happy and has yet to change her behavior toward me because of some kind of mood swing. In many ways, she has helped me just by not being judgemental of my actions. I'm grateful for that.

6am I should be sleeping.

2004-12-28T06:15:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, sleep is the last thing on my mind.

This is the time of morning that I usually would look at the clock and say "Uh oh. I am *so* toast" and then Jeff would log in and do some pretend scolding for me being up so late. I'd laugh and play with him about it, and then he'd talk with me until I was ready to go to bed. Then we'd text message back and forth until I fell totally asleep. It was one of my favorite things because he was the last person I talked to when I went to sleep and the first one I spoke with when I woke up.

It's these little things that I really enjoyed and it's those little things that were all I had to hold on to on many nights. Missing those little things will hurt as I'm reminded of them but those too will pass in time.

I'm ready for hugs now. I still really need them. At least the tears have stopped, but I still can't even enter my bedroom. Maybe after I've slept, I can gather up enough strength to go take that stuff down. I really hope so because I can't get comfortable on the floor. Maybe tomorrow I'll have my room stripped of all Jeff reminders (the South Carolina stuff) and will finally be able to handle sleeping in my room again. I hope so anyway.

It's crazy that a place that Jeff has never even seen can remind me so much of him. In fact, he hasn't even been in the state of Oklahoma since he met me - much less, my bedroom - yet I have so many things in my room that remind me of him. My stuffed Shamu, that we got when we went away to San Antonio together, sits propped up on a shelf right above my bed. It's the first thing I see when i enter the room. My little red Cocky doll lays against my pillow and decorates my drab black comforter when my bed is made. His shiny new autographed Daunte Culpepper helmet sits neatly wrapped up in Christmas paper on my television while my South Carolina-colored pom pom hangs on the edge of my headboard. Even the two seat cushions that we used at the SC/Tennessee game are there propped up on one of my dressers and the two little hugging bears that he gave me for my birthday are prominently displayed in my room. Maybe I can just pack it away instead of throwing it away. *sigh* Who am I fooling? I need to completely get rid of it.

I really miss him. This is totally killing me....

___

About Mike: No, I don't want him. I just want to be wanted and I want to *hear* someone say to me that they want me and need me. I want to be told that I matter. I need that right now, and Mike does that. I will not forget that he is an asshole (because he really is). I was even reminded of that earlier tonight when I told him that I couldn't move in with him. He said to me "I didn't want you to move in with me. I just wanted you to decorate my place for me." See, that sucks because I remembered him asking me point blank if I would live with him and I told Jeff all about it. Jeff forbade it. I felt like some kinda pond scum because Jeff wouldn't let me live with Mike in There.com and now Mike says he never wanted me to live with him? Ugh. Nah, I haven't forgotten that he's an ass.

However, I see that he can also be a sweetheart. He sat beside me for hours tonight while I was taking care of stuff. We talked tonight about how he thought I deserved better and how it always made him a little jealous that all I could ever talk about was "Jeff this" and "Jeff that" when we'd talk. It was sweet for him to try to give me all of that attention tonight. However, I was mean and walked away from him without even bothering to explain where I was going or what I was doing. Jeff was IMing me. I couldn't be bothered with Mike at that point.

Greg, however, told me that I was stuck with him for always. Heh. So... I ran him over on my way out of that fun zone. I could hear his deep, Barney Rubble laughter in my headphones as I was driving off.

____

Morgan keeps reminding me to think of what Mom said to me concerning "You deserve a prince" and all that. You know, I don't wanna think of anything Mom ever has to say about my dating life. She called me a whore when I was almost raped. She called me a slut when I fell asleep on the foot of Tom's bed that night because I was too scared to even leave the room. She told me I deserved it when Brett almost killed me in Plainview, TX. While I was growing up, she'd scream at me if my brother beat me up because I had the nerve to let my chest get bruised by his fist.

Don't get me wrong because I absolutely love my mother. She took care of me when I was sick and has always been a concerned nurse for me and never ever left my side when I was recovering from scary operations. She has been a good mom and I want to be like her in many many ways. However, when it comes to her advice, I absolutely refuse to take it. In matters of the heart, there have been times when I needed her more than anything else, but she was not there for me. Instead she was insulting me and turning her back on me. For that reason alone, I will never trust her when it comes to emotionally painful situations.

She loves me. I love her. I don't doubt that. But no....

Goodnight, and if anyone is reading this, please reach over and hug someone that you love. You'll never know just how helpful a hug can be.

Well, I made it through another day

2004-12-28T01:45:00.000-06:00

and I didn't cry today. I woke up on the floor with my cell phone making that funny little whoopie whistle sound that it makes when I get text messages. I just laid there for a while and tried to figure out where I was before I reached over to see who had text messaged me.

It was Jeff. He said that yes, I was worthy of love and was even worthy of *his* love, but that he was not worthy of mine. Stuff like that always sounds like breakup lines and it just reenforces that things are over. It didn't help. Then, he said that he'll never stop thinking about me and that he'll always love me. That hurt, because part of me wanted to believe and build on that, but then reality sinks back in and I think of the nights I spent alone in tears and begging him to give me his heart and his attention. So, I just didn't answer his messages. I couldn't. I wanted to. I wanted to real badly. But I couldn't.

I made it through the rest of the afternoon without hearing from him until some time after Mom got home. The message talked about how he was lame and that he couldn't stop messaging me even though he knew it hurt me. I still didn't answer. I picked up my phone to text back, but put the phone down once I realized that I was just going to establish communication with him again and that I would do something crazy (like beg and plead for the relationship to start again, and agree to just continue with things the way that they had been - with me wanting to die due to him not giving me attention). I walked away from my phone again.

About half an hour later, I logged into my computer and got some IMs from him. I'm assuming that he was IMing me from his telephone on the plane because his messages were slow, as if he was trying to hammer them out on the wretched little keypad on his cell phone. I was weak this time:

Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:47PM) jeff: I sent you 2 text msgs. Getting on plane.
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:47PM) Chasmia: I saw. they woke me up
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:48PM) Chasmia: Just am frightened to answer you
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:48PM) jef: Sorry :(
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:49PM) Chasmia: why?
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:49PM) Chasmia: you want to love me right now. What is stopping you from going further and giving all of you to me?
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:49PM) jeff: You don't have to
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:50PM) jeff: For everything and waking you
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:51PM) Chasmia: it was okay. I was sleeping on the living room floor and wasn't sleeping very well either. I would've awakened anyway.
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:51PM) jeff: Cuz I'm so scared.
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:52PM) Chasmia: why are you scared?
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:54PM) jeff: Of change and unsure about things
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:56PM) Chasmia: I don't like change either. I don't like having to give up everything I know and am secure with.
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:57PM) Chasmia: I don't know how to be without you. I don't know how to go onward.
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:57PM) jeff: Getting on plane now
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:58PM) Chasmia: okay
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:59PM) jeff: I know that I have missed u
Monday, December 27, 2004 (07:59PM) Chasmia: You know how to fix it :(
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:00PM) jeff: Will be on later
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:00PM) Chasmia: ok
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:01PM) jeff: I know
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:01PM) jeff: Hugs
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:01PM) Chasmia: hugs
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:03PM) jeff: And I do love you
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:04PM) Chasmia: don't know what to say
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:06PM) jeff: It's ok you don't need to say anything
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:06PM) Chasmia: I want to, though. It's killing me
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:07PM) Chasmia: I want to scream from the top of the world about my feelings for you
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:08PM) jeff: Time to turn off
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:08PM) Chasmia: ok
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:09PM) jeff: Bye Uenus
Monday, December 27, 2004 (08:09PM) Chasmia: bye Jeff

Well, that totally sucked, yet at the same time, it felt good. It sucked because it tore at my heart again. It felt good that he misses me. It sucked because I was weak and wanted so badly to reach out to him and beg him to take me back. It felt good, though, to know that he now knows what it feels like to be totally cut off from someone that matters - however insignificant the amount that matters is.

He knows how I felt on those long nights without him. He knows how it feels to not have the love of the person you want to have it from. He knows the feeling of rejection now. And, I think he understands that he did this to himself. Unfortunately, I don't feel any better for it. In fact, I'm feeling like I am the one being cruel by insisting on not giving my affection back. I just can't. I can't let myself get hurt again. I can't feel as if I'm too demanding simply due to the fact that I state that I want attention once a day. I just can't let him walk on my heart any more. I can't do it. I will die if he does it again. I *will* die.

It's after 2am now, and I got another group of messages from Jeff. I was hoping that I would hear from him again. Hearing the little IM sound made my heart jump. Ahh, but that isn't good for me and throughout the whole session, I got more upset and simply couldn't talk:

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:40AM) Jeff: just wanted to let you know I got to the hotel...I won't push things beyond that *hugs*
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:41AM) Chasmia: you okay?
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:41AM) Jeff: yeah, long day
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:41AM) Chasmia: sleep will feel good tonight, I'll bet
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:42AM) Jeff: I slept a lot on the planes
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:43AM) Chasmia: ok
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:44AM) Jeff: I dont wanna be here
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:44AM) Chasmia: I'm sorry
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:45AM) Chasmia: call Matt and tell him you wanna go home.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:45AM) Jeff: nuttin I can do I guess
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:45AM) Jeff: he went skiing today
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:45AM) Jeff: bastard
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:48AM) Jeff: hope you are doing ok, just wanted to check in *hugs*
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:49AM) Chasmia: I am healing and trying not to dwell on the pain. Someone will want me some day.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:50AM) Jeff: I'm sure I'm not helping any
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:50AM) Chasmia: no you aren't. it just makes me want to hang on, and I know that's not good for me
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:51AM) Jeff: ok, I'm sorry
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:53AM) Jeff: I'll try to leave you alone and not bug you. Its just not easy.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 (01:56AM) Jeff: take care ... if you ever need anything...ugh, gotta go :( too upset

With that, he was gone. *sigh* I feel guilty - as if I'm the one hurting him - yet I know that I have to do this. I have to heal. I have to let go of 2 years of the strongest love I've ever felt. It's killing me. It hurts.

*sigh* He's never going to love me enough to make me the only woman in his life. He's never going to love me enough to divorce his wife and be only with me. He's never going to love me enough to reach out to me and make me feel the love in the same way as I did for him. He's never going to love me enough to marry me. He's never going to want to love me enough to be there for me and hold me tightly. He's never going to want to love me enough to tell me he needs me. He's never going to love me enough to make the effort to be with me.

Yeah, I know all of that. It still stabs at my heart and tears my soul apart.

Are You Stalking Me, Coz If So, That Would Be Super!

2004-12-27T06:12:00.000-06:00

That's what Mike said to me tonight. He said it because I asked him what I had done to make him so coldly and rudely ignore me the other night. He said he had been been intoxicated that night and that he'd never ignore me on purpose.

I so badly need to be held right now. I need it so badly. I want to hate Jeff and I want to lash out at him for hurting me. I want so badly to let him see just what his lack of affection has done to me. I want all of that, yet I can't. I can't hate him.

I lashed out at him in my last entry but once again, the tears flowed and I find myself wanting to say I'm sorry. But I can't. Who am I going to say I'm sorry to? There's nobody around to hear it.

----

Jeff asked me not to get with Mike. I'm not going to, but damn, right now I need to shown by *someone* that I am worth having around. Rocky was nowhere to be found, so at 2am, I sent a quick MSN to him and told him that I missed seeing him. He immediately logged into There to spend some time chatting with me. That was nice, but it just didn't cut it. Mike, on the other hand, was there and yes, he made it very clear that what I was feeling was important to him. I was happy with the fact that he made a *huge* effort to come looking for me just as soon as he received my email stating that I was sorry for whatever it was that caused him to be so cold to me and to ignore me so harshly the other night. He wanted me to talk to him and tell him everything - why wouldn't Jeff do this? He said that he wished that he could hold me because he felt that I needed it - why wouldn't Jeff do this?

Jeff isn't an evil guy. Jeff isn't wicked. He just hurt me, that's all. I want so badly for him to love me. I want so badly for him to come to me and tell me that he wants and needs me. I want so badly just to be his world. I just can't. He won't let me.

*sigh* Day two without him, and I hate it. I freaking hate it. Now, several hours later, I still can't even enter my own room I can't get him out of my head. I know I need to let go (which is exactly why I told Jeff that I can't be friends with him any more and that I can't talk to him any more), and I know that nothing is ever going to come out of my life for him, but I am fighting the urge to call him and beg him to be with me. I just can't do it. He threw me away. He discarded me and made it clear that I'm not worthy of his love. I feel low.

I'm going to get my sleeping bag and go lay down. Maybe I'll wake up and feel a little bit better. Maybe my dreams will be comforting. Or maybe I'll wake up and my prince will be here knocking on my door and be willing to take me into his arms and kiss me and never let me go again.

Who the heck am I fooling? I know better.

My head is pounding

2004-12-27T01:17:00.000-06:00

It would have been so much better if I had simply run when I first found out he was married. My heart wouldn't be in the position that it's in right now. Not even a full day since I was dumped (hooray for Christmas Day breakups) and I find myself in actual physical pain over everything. My head is pounding. My heart is broken and now, my arthritis is wreaking havoc.

RaShaL became a grandma today. That baby is being adopted away. She showed me footage of that sweet little baby boy. God how I wish it were me who had the child. I was certainly working toward it. I had found a guy who wanted children as bad as me (Jeff) and was lonely without a child. I did things to my body that were harmful just so that I could have the chance to have a child with him in the future. I stopped taking my methotrexate because I didn't want to risk my baby having any sort of birth defects. Stopping that medicine put me in all kinds of pain physically, and made my other meds not quite as effective but it was all worth it to me. The catch, though, was that it turned out that Jeff didn't love me and certainly didn't want me. Now, all of that is for nothing. Now, I am alone as well.

So I logged out of my computer earlier to go begin the task of taking down all of my South Carolina Gamecocks from my bedroom. I tried to take it down. I really did. I tried to take Jeff out of my cell phone memory but I couldn't do it. All of my saved conversations both on my computer and in my phone? Yeah, they're still there too. They make me cry. I just can't bring myself to remove them. Tonight, I'll just have to sleep on the floor in the living room again until I can get enough strength to take that stuff down without plunging into that deep, dark, miserable place again.

My head is pounding so violently and I keep seeing these bright yellow flashes in my eyes when I close them.

I am going to get through this, though. I just have to keep trying to let go of the pain and understand that no, I am not worthy of love. Once I can get that through my head, the pain will stop and I can give up the thought of finding total happiness.

What the hell am I saying? I *am* worthy of love. Fuck Jeff for making me feel otherwise. Fuck Jeff for pretending to care about me. Fuck Jeff for ripping my heart out, stomping on it, then making me feel as if I was the one who was wrong for wanting him to love me back.

Fuck him. He doesn't give a damn about anyone.

*sob*

I made it through the night

2004-12-26T13:23:00.000-06:00

How? I have no clue. I only cried a couple of times and then fell asleep in the middle of my tears.

I dreamed about smoking and how good it would feel to inhale that first big puff of slow death and then I tasted that horrible taste of smoke and then smelled that terrible stench of burnt tobacco and suddenly I didn't want to smoke any more. It was pretty gross.

I thought about going to Nita and talking to her before I fell asleep for the night last night. In fact, I still want to, but I feel pretty lame about leaning on her.

So I woke up and somehow found myself in my room. I fucking hated it. I hated being in that room. It was as if somehow, that room represented just how alone I felt. I was laying in bed alone. It was cold and empty. The sun was shining so brightly through the windows but I just didn't want to face it, so I turned over to get away from it. That was a minor mistake because just on the other side of my pillow was my little red stuffed Cocky doll - a doll I had bought when I last saw Jeff, and a doll that represents a football team that I would have never cared for if it weren't for Jeff. I pushed the doll off my bed and it fell onto my South Carolina poms. The rustling sound of the poms was enough to start the tears again.

As soon as I started to cry, I heard Soapy barking at me. She wanted to get up in bed with me but because she was hurt, she couldn't. I tried to ignore her pleas to get up in my bed but ultimately, I couldn't. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom and from there, I would just get up for the day and get out of my room. Once I got out of my room, Soapy was no longer interested in having anything to do with me and instead, wanted to play with her cheerful little toys that Santa brought for her. I reached down and ruffled the hair on her head and then came in here in the den.

I sat down on the couch for a while and talked with Mom for a bit. She asked me what time I went to sleep last night, and when I told her that it had been after 5:30, she suggested that I go back to bed. That was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want anywhere near my room. Instead, I decided to get on my computer and check my email.

Yay! Email from Jeff. He quit some hosting group of mine for Grass Valley and Dune Valley. The email said that he just didn't want to hurt me any more and then asked me not to hook up with MIke. He said something along the lines of Mike being just like Kelly. I guess he doesn't understand that my attraction to Mike was never ever anything more than a cry for attention and when Mike made it clear that he didn't want to give me any attention, I gave up on him. I guess, too, that he hasn't understood that I had already cut Mike out of my life sometime last week. Finally, he doesn't understand that I am so much in love with him that I have no interest in hooking up with anyone. I just know that I'm going to have to give up Jeff because not only does he not want me, but he doesn't want to give all of himself to me in the same manner that I gave all of myself to him.

I feel like trash today. No, not physically, but emotionally. Unwanted garbage. What's wrong with me? Why is my love unwanted? Why can't I be held close? Am I that bad of a person that nobody can stand to be with me? Am I not worthy of love?

3 men in my life that I've loved unconditionally and of those 3, two of them were men that I was *in* love with. Dad died when I was just 19. That turned my world upside down. Tom cheated on me and left me with a broken heart. That shook my world to the core. Then there's Jeff. He doesn't want me either.

My friend Morgan tells me that I'll find someone new. I just don't think I want to - not if this is what loving someone unconditionally is all about. This hurts and no matter how hard I try, I can't get away from it. I tried to read over last night's entry to make sense of it all. That did no good. All it has done is made me hurt even worse.

I want to lay down and cry myself to sleep but I don't want anywhere near my room with all of that South Carolina stuff in it. I'm going to need to take it down today sometime just so that I can sleep in there again. I just don't want to. *sigh* I can't face any of that stuff right now.

Maybe I'll just get my sleeping bag and lay down on the living room floor to sleep. It won't be comfortable at all, but at least there won't be anything to remind me of Jeff. I'll have to clear his numbers from my cell phone sometime today, too.

Man this hurts

He dumped me

2004-12-26T03:45:00.000-06:00

I'm a miserable low life. I feel that way, anyway.

He dumped me. *sigh* He says he can't be what I want.

My love is beautiful, I thought. My love is wonderful, I thought. It wasn't, though. It isn't even worth holding on to. It isn't worth having. It isn't worth keeping or protecting.

I'm keeping it together right now. Every time I start to cry, I start to scold myself for ever thinking I was ever worthy of him. I then remind myself that he was married and that I had no business even hoping that he'd ever want me enough to keep me and only me.

So many things were said. So many things that I can't process any of it right now. All I can do is put the whole conversation in here, and maybe, in a few months and after I've had the chance to heal, I can look over it and learn just exactly what I've done wrong.

So here it is in its unedited and complete form. I'm going to post it and then I'm going to go lay down on the couch and sleep. I can't go in my room. There are so many South Carolina things in the room to remind me of him and I know that the second I see it, I will not be able to hold the tears in. I've also given Jeff the link to this blog. Why? So at least he'll know just how badly I wanted and needed him, so that he'll know just how badly I wanted his attention. He can't punish me for what I write any more, so I no longer have to hide it
------------

Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: JEFF
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: JEFF!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: Jeffy!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: Jeeeeeeff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: god I love you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: I love you so much
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: love you so very very much
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Jeff: hehe cutie
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: *gets on her knees in front of you*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Jeff: I lov eyou
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Jeff: lol woo :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Chasmia: I need to beg for forgiveness
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:11PM) Jeff: why?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:12PM) Chasmia: because of last night
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:12PM) Chasmia: and my utter lameness
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:13PM) Jeff: hmm what did you do that was lame heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:13PM) Chasmia: I yelled at you for not talking to me, then forced you to talk to me, then fell asleep while you tried to talk to me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:13PM) Jeff: it's ok hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:13PM) Chasmia: why? Because I put the phone in a place where it couldn't get a signal, so none of your IMs ever came through
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:14PM) Jeff: oh hehe....I wondered where you went :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:14PM) Chasmia: till 5:30 this morning, when I knocked the phone over into a place where it got your signals all at once
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:15PM) Jeff: lol
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:15PM) Jeff: poor baby
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:15PM) Chasmia: so they woke me up at 5:30. heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:15PM) Chasmia: Forgive me, bayb
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Jeff: I forgive ya
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: forgive me for being such a moronic bitch
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: hugs
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: Merry Christmas
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Jeff: I wasn't mad, I figured you just fell asleep
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Jeff: *hugs* Merry Christmas
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: I love you so much
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: I love you!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: I looooove you!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:16PM) Chasmia: I love you crazy deeply!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:17PM) Jeff: I love you sweets
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:17PM) Chasmia: I went back to bed at like 1:30 today
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:17PM) Chasmia: slept till 6
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:18PM) Chasmia: Mom came in my room to ask me if my asshat was gonna sleep all day
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:18PM) Chasmia: took me a while to comprehend that she still needs to learn how to use the word asshat.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:18PM) Jeff: haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Jeff: I went to sleep about 4 hours ago
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Jeff: and just got up
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Chasmia: yay!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Chasmia: does it mean that I'll get time with you tonight?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Jeff: I joined another Sg last night
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Jeff: but I'm not sure I like it heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:19PM) Chasmia: the one Bunnee merged with?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:20PM) Jeff: no
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:20PM) Chasmia: which one?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:20PM) Jeff: Bedlam
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:20PM) Chasmia: ahh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:20PM) Jeff: they use Ventrillo
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:20PM) Jeff: the leader guy sounds like Shadowbain heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:21PM) Chasmia: ugh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:21PM) Chasmia: maybe it is
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:21PM) Jeff: and they cuss every othe word
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:21PM) Jeff: nah, it's not him
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:21PM) Chasmia: *beams* I love you so much, Jeff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Chasmia: I really do
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Jeff: I love you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Chasmia: I am also very thankful that you don't behave like my demon brother
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Jeff: I had a dream you came back and played COH heh but you were sad
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Chasmia: why was I sad?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Jeff: cuz you were a lowbie heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:22PM) Chasmia: I don't care about being a lowbie
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Chasmia: I need help picking out the right motherboard, baby
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Jeff: at least I think that's why I don't remember it that much
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Jeff: just remember that part of it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Jeff: kk
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Chasmia: think you can help me?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Jeff: sure
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Jeff: :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:23PM) Chasmia: okay
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:24PM) Chasmia: are you up for helping me now?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:24PM) Jeff: can try, I'll probably ask my brother, cuz I dunno much about them
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:24PM) Chasmia: okay. See, I don't know a lot either
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:24PM) Chasmia: I just know...
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:24PM) Chasmia: I want it to be able to upgrade as time goes on
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:25PM) Jeff: but you'll need to know stuff about your case
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:25PM) Chasmia: I also want slots for it to be able to use my AGP video card
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:25PM) Chasmia: I know all about my case.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:25PM) Chasmia: ATX case
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:25PM) Chasmia: anyhow
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:25PM) Jeff: k
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:26PM) Chasmia: I want it to have at least one AGP slot and
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:26PM) Jeff: what kinda processor speed are you lookin for?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:26PM) Chasmia: well, I think I'm gonna go AMD 64
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:26PM) Chasmia: and those only go up to 2.1 GHz
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:26PM) Chasmia: which doesn't sound like much
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:27PM) Chasmia: but on 3 different sites that I've looked up, they've stated that the AMD 64 2.0 will out perform the Pentium 3.4
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:28PM) Jeff: can you get a AMD 64 for that price with mb?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:28PM) Chasmia: yeah. Lemme show you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:28PM) Jeff: I see them
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:29PM) Chasmia: thing is
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:29PM) Chasmia: I don't know if the AMD 64 comes in more than one kind of chip
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:29PM) Chasmia: secondly
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:29PM) Chasmia: I don't know what the heck kinda motherboard to get or what chipset
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:30PM) Jeff: k, I'm asking my bro :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:30PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:30PM) Jeff: he says it is poss
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:30PM) Jeff: and he has recommendations
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:30PM) Jeff: hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:30PM) Chasmia: lay it on me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:31PM) Jeff: he loves newegg stuff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:31PM) Jeff: so he'll go to the site and find the stuff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:31PM) Chasmia: *beams*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:31PM) Jeff: I'll let you know when he tells me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:31PM) Chasmia: the GC will be for the MB and Chip
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:32PM) Chasmia: I can transfer everything else from my old system
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:32PM) Chasmia: except memory - but I'm gonna get that from Kingston directly
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:32PM) Jeff: k
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:32PM) Chasmia: and they have an idiot's guide for buying memory on their site
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:32PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:32PM) Chasmia: so they ask me what kinda chip and motherboard, then ask what kinda chipset, and then they find the right memory
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:33PM) Jeff: cool
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:33PM) Chasmia: the best kinda idiot's guide - the kind that does all the work for you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:33PM) Chasmia: and it's from the company tha tmakes the best ram
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:33PM) Jeff: lol yeah ;)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:34PM) Chasmia: I love you I love you I love you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:34PM) Jeff: I love you too sugarlips
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:34PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:34PM) Chasmia: I've had a crap day, but thankfully, I've had time to sleep away most of the stress
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Jeff: aww how come
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Chasmia: my pipes burst *smirk*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Jeff: ugh really?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Chasmia: yeah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Jeff: yucky
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Chasmia: well, it's fixed now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Chasmia: and cheaply
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Chasmia: but damn, it started a war over here
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:35PM) Jeff: how come?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:36PM) Chasmia: coz my brother is manic depressive like me, but won't medicate for it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:36PM) Jeff: ahh ok
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:36PM) Chasmia: they burst..
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:36PM) Chasmia: Mom got up and went outside to see what the problem was
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:37PM) Chasmia: while Mom was outside messing with stuff, Judy said something like "Miles, you should be out there helping your Mom. She's all stooped over, and well, she's old and has a bad back"
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:37PM) Chasmia: he didn't give her a dirty look. he didn't say anything. He just got up, put his jacket on, and walked out the front door
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:38PM) Chasmia: 10 minutes later, Mom came inside and was utterly freaked out. She said that my brother was going ballistic
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:38PM) Chasmia: he told her that "Venus should sue her insurance company." and "Venus should sue her former plumber"
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:38PM) Chasmia: and oh god, you name it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:38PM) Jeff: crazy
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:39PM) Chasmia: So he just started flipping out
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:39PM) Chasmia: Mom asked me to call my brother in law to come help.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:39PM) Chasmia: He brought a snake because he thought that we had a clog instead of bursted pipes
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:39PM) Chasmia: My brother saw the snake and started telling my Mom that my brother in law's stupid snake won't fix anything.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:40PM) Chasmia: it just went downhill
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:40PM) Chasmia: 3 hours later, he's still rampaging
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:40PM) Chasmia: I shut the water off as soon as everything was clogged
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:40PM) Chasmia: weeeeell, soon as I shut the water off, I came in and started trying to find plumbers
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:41PM) Chasmia: It's Saturday. It's Christmas. Heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:41PM) Jeff: yeah :) heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:41PM) Chasmia: Then my brother comes inside and tells Mom that he didn't mind trying to fix stuff around here. He said that in fact, it made him feel good to help, but "God damnit, I will not let Judy speak condescendingly to me."
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Chasmia: freaked me out
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Chasmia: an hour before they left, they got into an argument in the kitchen
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Jeff: aww
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Chasmia: god, it scared me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Chasmia: I thought he was going to hit her
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Chasmia: he was foul in all meanings of the word
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:42PM) Jeff: :(
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:43PM) Chasmia: Judy finally lost her temper and started yelling at him
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:43PM) Chasmia: it scared me badly, so I just locked myself in my room until they left
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:43PM) Chasmia: It scared Mom too
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:44PM) Chasmia: and wiped out every last penny of my savings *smirk*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:44PM) Jeff: ugh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:44PM) Jeff: no more tv :(
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:44PM) Chasmia: Mom's been crying all dya
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:44PM) Chasmia: I just went back to bed and stayed there.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:45PM) Jeff: will you overclock it?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:46PM) Jeff: my brother is asking
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:46PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:46PM) Chasmia: nope
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:47PM) Jeff: sounds like a pretty rough day :( *hugs*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:48PM) Chasmia: it was
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:48PM) Chasmia: but!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:48PM) Chasmia: I slept till 6pm
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:48PM) Chasmia: well, 6:15
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:48PM) Jeff: that's good hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:48PM) Chasmia: so I slept the mass majority of my stress away
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:49PM) Jeff: I'm glad sweety
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:49PM) Chasmia: me too
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:49PM) Chasmia: now I just wanna hold you and beg for forgiveness
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:49PM) Chasmia: and hope and pray that I don't end up like my brother
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:50PM) Chasmia: sadly enough, I think I'm more like him than I wanna admit
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:50PM) Chasmia: so I think you should shoot me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:51PM) Chasmia: I'll give you the gun on Planetside if you want :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:51PM) Jeff: what kinda ram are you getting?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:51PM) Chasmia: to shoot me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:51PM) Chasmia: DDR, I assume? I thought you picked the chip first, then the MB, and then you got the memory that matched the MB
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:51PM) Jeff: well my brother wants to know
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:52PM) Chasmia: well I can't answer that because I don't know what kind to get
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:52PM) Chasmia: I just know which brand
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:53PM) Jeff: what vid card do you have?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:53PM) Chasmia: GeForce 4 MX 440
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:55PM) Chasmia: maybe 420. lemme double check
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:55PM) Chasmia: 440
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:55PM) Jeff: k
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:56PM) Chasmia: it isn't a DDR card, though
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:56PM) Chasmia: but I want to move up to DDR from SDRAM
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (09:57PM) Jeff: k
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:01PM) Jeff: how much did you wanna spend on memory?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:01PM) Jeff: cuz he's trying to figure out what mb to get
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:01PM) Jeff: and it depends on the memory
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:02PM) Chasmia: I'm thinking I'll spend like 80 dollars for half a gig through either Ben's, Kingston, or Ebay.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:02PM) Chasmia: on one single chip
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:04PM) Jeff: he said 512k for this mb he's lookin at would be like 89
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:04PM) Jeff: you want 512 total?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:04PM) Chasmia: it's what I can afford for now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:04PM) Chasmia: I will add more later
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:04PM) Jeff: k
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:08PM) Jeff: he says it's best if you get 2 identical chips
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:08PM) Jeff: when are you thinking of upgrading to 1 gig/
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:09PM) Chasmia: in a couple months
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:09PM) Jeff: k
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:09PM) Chasmia: like... after I get my savings started back up *frown*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:09PM) Jeff: aww *hugs*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:09PM) Chasmia: hugs
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:10PM) Jeff: do you need a heatsink?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:10PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:10PM) Chasmia: the chip will come with it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:11PM) Jeff: some do, some dont'
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:11PM) Chasmia: if the chip doesn't come with it, then yes, I need one
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:11PM) Jeff: ok
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:13PM) Chasmia: hey how'd his trip to China go?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:14PM) Chasmia: do you have yourself a new sister in law yet?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:14PM) Jeff: supposedly he's getting married in APril
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:14PM) Chasmia: wow
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:14PM) Jeff: http://www.newegg.com/app/viewproductdesc.asp?description=19-103-501&DEPA=1
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:15PM) Jeff: http://www.newegg.com/app/ViewProductDesc.asp?description=13-130-468&depa=0
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:15PM) Jeff: that's like $310 tho
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:15PM) Jeff: I will pay the balance :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:15PM) Chasmia: no you won't
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:15PM) Chasmia: yay!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:15PM) Chasmia: thank you for doing this!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Jeff: he said then go to Kingston
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Jeff: and put in the specs for the stuff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Jeff: and it'll tell you the memory
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Chasmia: yeah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Chasmia: *beams*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Chasmia: thank you thank you thank you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Jeff: np :) he's the hardware junkie
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Jeff: so I figure he knows all this stuff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:16PM) Jeff: and he's picky
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:17PM) Chasmia: picky is good
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:17PM) Chasmia: *beams*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:17PM) Jeff: if you wanna see my bro's china pics and fiancee or whatever ;) it's here
(eidt: omitting the link on purpose here)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:18PM) Chasmia: nice
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Jeff: he took like 400 pics there
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Jeff: and had them developed for 30 bucks
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Chasmia: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Chasmia: baby...
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Chasmia: please don't think I'm a slug or anything but
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Chasmia: You're *so* much cuter than your brother
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:19PM) Jeff: hah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:20PM) Jeff: thanks
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:21PM) Chasmia: welcome :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:21PM) Jeff: he's taller
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:21PM) Chasmia: now if I can just snag you for myself, it'll be perfect
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:21PM) Chasmia: why is he bitter?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:22PM) Jeff: bitter?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: misread
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: thought you said he's bitter
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Jeff: oh heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: you're got prettier, more sparkly eyes
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: nicer hair
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Jeff: thanks :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: cuter face
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: so uh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:23PM) Chasmia: can I have you all to myself?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Chasmia: and if so, when can I get in your pants?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Jeff: you don't now? :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Jeff: whenever you like heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Chasmia: nope, but it ain't for a lack of trying
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Chasmia: I really would love to hold you right now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Jeff: aww
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Chasmia: I'm not feeling mushy, weirdly enough
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Chasmia: I'm just really happy to talk to you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:24PM) Chasmia: I've missed you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:25PM) Jeff: *hugs*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:25PM) Chasmia: hugs
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:25PM) Jeff: maybe I'll miss my flight on Wed. and have to stay in Dallas
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:25PM) Jeff: then you can come there :) hah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:26PM) Chasmia: can't. I have to keep my word to my family
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:26PM) Chasmia: not to leave again till next year
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:26PM) Jeff: oh yeah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:26PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:26PM) Chasmia: so can I have you all to myself? You never answered me, durnit
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:27PM) Chasmia: interesting
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:27PM) Chasmia: this is a slower processor for more money
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:27PM) Jeff: slower than what
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:27PM) Chasmia: the one on the front page
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:27PM) Chasmia: by a negligible amount - the one on the front page is a 2.0 GHz
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:27PM) Chasmia: for 149
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:28PM) Chasmia: this one is a 1.8GHz for 165
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:28PM) Jeff: 150 you mean?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:28PM) Chasmia: yep
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:29PM) Chasmia: answer me or diiiiiiiie
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:30PM) Chasmia: stop avoiding the question
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:30PM) Jeff: hehe take me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:30PM) Chasmia: ANSWER ME
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:30PM) Chasmia: *mutters*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Jeff: sure, you can have me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Jeff: hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Chasmia: *cry*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Jeff: nobody else wants me anyway :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Chasmia: you're being difficult
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Jeff: so I think you're stuck with me :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Chasmia: I'm gonna stick my cold feet all over you until you answer the full question
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Jeff: promise?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:31PM) Jeff: lol
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Chasmia: I'm finding my stick right now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Chasmia: right now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Chasmia: RIGHT NOW
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Chasmia: Can I have you all to myself?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Jeff: I said yes, how many times do you need me to say it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:32PM) Chasmia: you said I could have you, but didn't say whether I could have you all to myself
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:34PM) Jeff: oh heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:37PM) Jeff: *kisses*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:37PM) Chasmia: oh no.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:37PM) Chasmia: newp
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:37PM) Chasmia: answer me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:37PM) Chasmia: no kissin' me to distract me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:38PM) Chasmia: I've dealt with a baby that used her absolute total adorability against me
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:38PM) Jeff: I did !
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:38PM) Chasmia: I've learned how to stay strong
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:38PM) Chasmia: you didn't say whether or not I could have you all to myself
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:38PM) Chasmia: 3rd time I've pointed that out now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:41PM) Jeff: I said you can, nobody else wants me anyway :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:42PM) Chasmia: well, lemme teach you a nice way to put that
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:42PM) Chasmia: "Yes, baby. Only you can have me because you're all I want."
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:42PM) Chasmia: try that
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:42PM) Chasmia: it might get you laid
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:46PM) Chasmia: okay, I've got my stick. Speak now, mister.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:47PM) Jeff: ok, you're the only one I want, you can have me :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:47PM) Chasmia: it's about time!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:47PM) Chasmia: you put off getting laid for your indecision!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:47PM) Chasmia: c'mere, you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:47PM) Chasmia: it's kisses time now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:48PM) Jeff: haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:48PM) Jeff: kiss me ;0
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:48PM) Chasmia: *KISS* *KISS* *KISS*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:48PM) Jeff: thanks :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:49PM) Chasmia: *smoooooooch*&
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:49PM) Chasmia: okay your cell phone...
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:49PM) Chasmia: I decided to molest you via text messages today
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:49PM) Chasmia: then got all scared someone would see it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:49PM) Chasmia: so I didn't molest you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:52PM) Jeff: aww hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:52PM) Jeff: aww hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:52PM) Jeff: sex by text message eh? :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:53PM) Chasmia: nah. just dirty talk
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:53PM) Jeff: I like dirty talk :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:54PM) Chasmia: I just like you. *beams* I love you so much
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:54PM) Jeff: I love you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Chasmia: Elizabeth got little pink lamb slippers
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Chasmia: they're sooooo cute
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Jeff: cute :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Chasmia: god, baby
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Chasmia: she really is a demon but
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Chasmia: I mean, a real demon
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:55PM) Chasmia: but
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:56PM) Chasmia: god, when she saw the little pink lamb slippers, she stood up, held her arms out wide, and walked slowly to get the little lamb and hug it tightly
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:56PM) Chasmia: oh god, it was so precious
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:56PM) Chasmia: those big blue eyes
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:57PM) Chasmia: those little bitty arms stretched out
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:57PM) Chasmia: and the sweetest, most loving hug
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:57PM) Chasmia: oh it was just precious
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:59PM) Jeff: lol cutie :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:59PM) Jeff: I wanna lil girl
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (10:59PM) Jeff: they're so awesome hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:00PM) Chasmia: well, it just depends on the kid
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:00PM) Chasmia: Baby, Elizabeth is just a more dainty version of Tyler
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:00PM) Chasmia: she is wicked to the bone
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:00PM) Chasmia: but so cute that you can't hold it against her :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:01PM) Jeff: haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:01PM) Jeff: yeah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:07PM) *** Users currently in conversation:
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:07PM) *** jlm@he.net
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:07PM) Jeff: whatcha doin sugar
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:07PM) Chasmia: Nothing at all but listening to music
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:08PM) Jeff: ahh :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:16PM) *** Users currently in conversation:
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:16PM) *** jlm@he.net
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:16PM) Jeff: why are ya all quiet now heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:17PM) Chasmia: coz I'm plotting to get in your pants - and it's taking all of my ability not to tell you about ... oh. heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:17PM) Chasmia: *kisses*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:17PM) Jeff: rofl
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:18PM) Chasmia: hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:18PM) Jeff: *kisses*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:19PM) Chasmia: *kisses*
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:20PM) Jeff: here, I'll make it easy on you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:20PM) Jeff: my pants are open and waiting ;D
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:20PM) Chasmia: hey!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:21PM) Chasmia: get here right now
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:21PM) Chasmia: there's something in there that want
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:21PM) Jeff: haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:21PM) Jeff: oh yeah?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:21PM) Chasmia: yeah!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:23PM) Jeff: like what? :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:23PM) Chasmia: well, it has to do with a castle
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:24PM) Jeff: oh yeah?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:25PM) Chasmia: why yes
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:25PM) Jeff: lol you recreated Brazen?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:28PM) Jeff: where ya go
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:28PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:28PM) Chasmia: I changed my mind. Think I'll just fool around in There till you feel like logging in
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Jeff: hmm how come?
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Chasmia: dunno
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Chasmia: KISSES
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Chasmia: KISSES
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Chasmia: KISSES KISSES KISSES
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Chasmia: *beams* I love you Jeff
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Jeff: I love you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Jeff: if you ever decided you wanted to play
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Jeff: on a diff server
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Jeff: I'd go with you
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:29PM) Chasmia: no you wouldn't
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Jeff: I would
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Chasmia: you'd still keep Tiberian and play on Liberty
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Jeff: after I get to 50 ;)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Jeff: heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Jeff: after 50, I would in a sec
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Chasmia: nah, I'm not all that keen onplaying there
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:30PM) Jeff: ok
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:34PM) Jeff: I really don't wanna go to SF
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:34PM) Chasmia: I'd die to go!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:34PM) Chasmia: I'm so jealous
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: holy moly
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: this guy set up a whole ranch
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: with like 8 portazones
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: has a herd of roaming buffalo
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: longhorn cattle
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: a ranch
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: a house
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: it's fabulous!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: stables
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Jeff: hah
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Jeff: funny
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: a barn
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:35PM) Chasmia: stalls
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:36PM) Chasmia: Horses!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:36PM) Chasmia: chickens
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:36PM) Chasmia: bales of hay
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:36PM) Chasmia: round and square
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:37PM) Chasmia: hayloft!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:37PM) Chasmia: owls!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:37PM) Chasmia: wow!
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:37PM) Jeff: haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:38PM) Jeff: you're too amused :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:38PM) Chasmia: you just don't get it
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:38PM) Chasmia: it looks like a real farm
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:38PM) Chasmia: there's probably 50 buffalo
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:38PM) Jeff: that's cool heh
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:38PM) Chasmia: bah, city slicker
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:40PM) Jeff: haha
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:40PM) Jeff: guess so ;)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:40PM) Chasmia: yeah :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:42PM) Jeff: hehe
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:42PM) Jeff: dork :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:43PM) Chasmia: I'm not either.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 (11:43PM) Jeff: uh huh :)
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:10AM) *** Users currently in conversation:
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:10AM) *** jlm@he.net
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:10AM) Jeff: sweety pop
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:10AM) *** Auto-response sent to Jeff: I am currently idle.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:32AM) *** Users currently in conversation:
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:32AM) *** jlm@he.net
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:32AM) Jeff: whatcha doin
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:33AM) Chasmia: putting Soapy to bed
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:35AM) Chasmia: but I'm done now
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:35AM) Jeff: ahh ok
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:38AM) Jeff: *kisses*
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:38AM) Chasmia: kisses
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:39AM) Chasmia: kisses
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:39AM) Jeff: :)
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:39AM) Jeff: cutie
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:39AM) Chasmia: I'm gonna go to bed soon, I think
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:39AM) Chasmia: well, relatively
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:40AM) Jeff: how come
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:40AM) Chasmia: boredom
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:40AM) Jeff: aww
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:40AM) Jeff: I'm sorry sugar
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:40AM) Chasmia: no big deal. I'm used to it
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:40AM) Chasmia: I'm going to play WoW. That's the game I'm going to.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:41AM) Chasmia: At least I'll have something to keep me occupied
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:44AM) Jeff: I'll play with ya
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:44AM) Chasmia: no you won't
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:44AM) Chasmia: don't even tell me that
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:45AM) Jeff: it's much easier to lvl than Lineage
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:45AM) Chasmia: no thanks, Jeff. I will not play CoH
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:45AM) Jeff: ?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:45AM) Chasmia: oh
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:45AM) Chasmia: WoW
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:45AM) Chasmia: sorry
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:46AM) Jeff: heh
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:46AM) Chasmia: well..
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:46AM) Chasmia: I don't believe that you will. You've shown me otherwise far too many times
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:46AM) Chasmia: I'll be fine playing it alone.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (12:47AM) Jeff: well ok
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:17AM) *** jlm@he.net (Jeff) has joined the conversation.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:18AM) Chasmia: okay, it's 2:15am your time. I think you need to spend some time with me. I want and need to talk to you, but you're far too busy playing CoH and I'm not liking that too well.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:25AM) *** jlm@he.net (Jeff) has joined the conversation.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:25AM) Chasmia: Hello?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:26AM) Jeff: sorry was afk
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:26AM) Jeff: ok, after this mission I'll log
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:26AM) Chasmia: *sigh* Don't bother. You'll be too tired soon
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:27AM) Jeff: I slept from 5 to 10 or something
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:27AM) Chasmia: that's never stopped you before.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:30AM) Jeff: well I'm not tired right now
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:31AM) Chasmia: I am terrified that this is going to turn into a fight and that no matter what I say, I'm going to end up getting hurt and will be left feeling as if I am the one in the wrong here
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:32AM) Chasmia: But I have to talk to you. We're supposed to love each other, but I am no more important to you now than I was a month ago. In fact, it's a lot less
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:33AM) Chasmia: I asked you a week ago to sit me down within the following week to tell me what I can expect from this relationship
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:33AM) Chasmia: Even if it ruined Christmas
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:34AM) Chasmia: the week is over. we've both had the entire day off. I came running with great love and affection for you and it's 1:30 my time and I have nothing from you
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:34AM) Chasmia: you took a nap today - to play CoH? Where's my time?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:35AM) Chasmia: it really hurts me. It tells me that no, I am not important to you
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:36AM) Jeff: I took a nap because I was tired
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:36AM) Jeff: and I'm not intersted in fighting
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:36AM) Jeff: so if that's what it's gonna be, we should stop now
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:37AM) Chasmia: Why am I such an inconvenience to you?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:37AM) Jeff: you're not
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:37AM) Chasmia: then why are you showing me otherwise?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Jeff: I'm not sure really what's different....I'm not a big talker
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Jeff: I've never been a big talker
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Jeff: we usually played stuff together
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Jeff: that kept us occupied
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Chasmia: *together*
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Chasmia: that's the key word
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:38AM) Chasmia: because you wanted to be with me
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:39AM) Chasmia: and I wanted to be with you
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:39AM) Jeff: yes, you left the only thing we played together
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:39AM) Chasmia: yes I did - after you and the others made sure it was extremely unpleasant
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:40AM) Jeff: still not sure exactly what I did, but ok
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:40AM) Chasmia: and it wasn't the only thing we did together. We tried several things together. You just had little interest
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:40AM) Jeff: what else did we do together?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:41AM) Chasmia: Baseball
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:41AM) Chasmia: Lineage
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:41AM) Chasmia: Horizons
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:41AM) Chasmia: and There. Can't forget where we met.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:41AM) Jeff: Lineage was the only one we really played
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:41AM) Jeff: There is boring tho
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:42AM) Chasmia: then find us something instead of sitting on CoH making me feel as if you don't give a damn about me simply because I won't play that game
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:42AM) Jeff: there is nothing to play really
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:43AM) Jeff: we've been looking
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:43AM) Chasmia: odd. I've been playing PlanetSide shooting with Nita for 3 days now
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:44AM) Jeff: what's that have to do with me, I don't play shooter games
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:44AM) Jeff: so that's not something we can play
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:45AM) Chasmia: We can play *something* How many times to I have to beg for time with you to make you give it to me instead of making me wait till you're tired of CoH?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:45AM) Chasmia: You won't be around next week
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:45AM) Chasmia: you've been busy this week
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:45AM) Chasmia: tonight would've been great to spend time together
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:47AM) Chasmia: Is it that you don't want me any more?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:47AM) Chasmia: Or is it that you're sick of me?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:47AM) Chasmia: Is that why it's so easy not to have anything to do with me?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:47AM) Jeff: instead of having this conversion, we could be doing something productive
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:48AM) Chasmia: addressing my pain is pretty productive, I think
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:49AM) Jeff: that's not what this will accomplish
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:49AM) Chasmia: what exactly will accomplish it?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:50AM) Chasmia: I want you to love me or leave me. Not tell me that you love me but make me feel as if I've been left.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:51AM) Jeff: I just don't know how to be that person you want
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:51AM) Chasmia: Don't shut down on me. Tell me what you're thinking right now.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:51AM) Chasmia: You were when we first got together
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:52AM) Chasmia: you have been - till October
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:52AM) Chasmia: was it the wheelchair thing?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:52AM) Jeff: no way
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:52AM) Chasmia: what was it, then?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:52AM) Jeff: I wasn't ever what you wanted me to be
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:52AM) Chasmia: what do you think I wanted you to be?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:53AM) Jeff: someone who expresses things better than I can
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:54AM) Chasmia: everyone can. They just have to want to
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:54AM) Chasmia: everyone can. They just have to want to
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:54AM) Chasmia: you could and did till October
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:54AM) Jeff: I don't buy that, cuz we've had many arguements prior to Oct
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:54AM) Jeff: about my lack of showing things
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:55AM) Chasmia: I feel neglected and unwanted. It's been much worse since October.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:55AM) Chasmia: People that love each other want to be together, I thought, yet you don't seem to want me around unless it's in CoH or unless there's nothing else to do
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:57AM) Jeff: no, it's not that....it's just that I can't just sit somewhere and just talk
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:57AM) Jeff: that's not me at all
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:57AM) Chasmia: it used to be.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:57AM) Chasmia: how we'd spend hours in the lighthouse on There
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:57AM) Chasmia: or on the phone
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:58AM) Jeff: I don't believe I talked tha tmuch
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:58AM) Chasmia: read back over our MSN logs.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:58AM) Chasmia: and old There logs
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:58AM) Chasmia: yeah, we used to talk very well. You're my best friend because of it
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:59AM) Jeff: I dunno, it's just hard for me
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:59AM) Chasmia: I don't feel that you want me any more
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (01:59AM) Chasmia: I want you to be honest and tell me if that's true or not
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:00AM) Chasmia: the faster you can do that, the faster we both can work toward being happy - whether it means we're together or apart.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:01AM) Jeff: it's just hard ... my mind goes thru so much
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:01AM) Jeff: and changes so much
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:01AM) Chasmia: tell me what that means. I don't want to jump to the wrong conclusions
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:02AM) Jeff: well one day I think we there is nothing that is going to happen, and others I don't feel that way
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:02AM) Chasmia: going to happen?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:02AM) Chasmia: you mean us in the future?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:02AM) Jeff: being together
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:02AM) Chasmia: see, you aren't the only one going through that
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:03AM) Chasmia: I think the difference lies in the reasoning behind it.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:04AM) Jeff: maybe so
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:05AM) Chasmia: I don't want you to leave me, but I can't live like this too much longer. I need resolution
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:06AM) Chasmia: I have never felt so strongly for a man as I do for you, but when you go cold on me, I want nothing more than to die - then the anger sets in
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:06AM) Chasmia: then the pain and self doubt
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:06AM) Chasmia: then I turn into someone that I'm not.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:07AM) Chasmia: I want to be important to someone, Jeff
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:07AM) Chasmia: I want someone to love me as much as I love them
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:07AM) Jeff: I know...and you deserve to be. My hanging on is hurting you.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:07AM) Chasmia: and I don't love so easily, so this is very difficult for me
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:08AM) Chasmia: Yes, it's hurting me.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:08AM) Chasmia: So let me go. Make me leave and tell me you don't love me any more.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:09AM) Chasmia: or love me with all your heart and hold me tight
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:09AM) Jeff: it's not that simple
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:09AM) Chasmia: I don't understand why?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:09AM) Jeff: because I'll always love you
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:09AM) Jeff: regardless
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:10AM) Chasmia: but not the kind of love you want to hold on to?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:11AM) Jeff: see that's the thing....I never picture myself having that kind of thing happening with me.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:12AM) Jeff: sometimes I think it appeals to me
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:12AM) Jeff: and other times, it doesn't
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:13AM) Chasmia: so what does it mean for us?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:14AM) Jeff: I think it means that I'm never gonna be able to give you what you want
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:14AM) Jeff: on a consistent basis
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:14AM) Chasmia: no. one always can. you just have to want to
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:15AM) Chasmia: I had to learn how to love Tessa and Chelcie the way they deserved
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:15AM) Chasmia: I had to learn that it wasn't just me me me
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:15AM) Jeff: well if that's true, then I must not want to be that way *shrug*
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:16AM) Chasmia: I am sorry that I can't be the girl in the shadows for you.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:17AM) Chasmia: I want to do everything to keep you, but I'm on the fast road to death on this course, because my heart can't take this. The pain is excruciating
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:19AM) Jeff: :( I just need to let you go then, cuz I can't keep doing this to you. I hate that beacuse you're a very important person in my life and you have been and I worry that you will never wanna talk to me again or blah
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:19AM) Chasmia: I can't.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:19AM) Chasmia: I have to heal
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:20AM) Jeff: healing means never talking to me?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:20AM) Chasmia: Healing means letting go of something that's never going to happen.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:21AM) Jeff: hmm :(
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:23AM) Jeff: I'm sorry I hurt you so much :(
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:24AM) Chasmia: I'll get through. I always do.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:25AM) Jeff: I know you do, but I still worry about you
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:30AM) Jeff: sigh...so what now
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:30AM) Chasmia: uh, didn't you just dump me?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:30AM) Jeff: I don't know what I did
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:32AM) Chasmia: no more keeping this secret from you. You can't hurt me over it now. http://markaina.blogspot.com/
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:34AM) Jeff: will you please take GV and the money to cover it?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:34AM) Chasmia: no
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:34AM) Jeff: why not
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:35AM) Chasmia: because I don't ever want to go back in there again. That was our zone. There is no us now.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (02:35AM) Jeff: sigh
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) *** Users currently in conversation:
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) *** jlm@he.net
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) Jeff: tell Jinx to go fuck himself
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) *** jlm@he.net (Jeff) has joined the conversation.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) Chasmia: why?
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) Jeff: Sigh
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) Jeff: cuz he's an asshole
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:02AM) *** jlm@he.net (Jeff) has joined the conversation.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:03AM) Chasmia: *shrug* I'm used to it.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:03AM) Jeff: Sigh
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:03AM) Chasmia: I won't be near him any time soon. I decided that last week.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:04AM) Chasmia: retrieve the Shaguar and the Bone please. They're outside of Grass Valley
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:04AM) Jeff: don't want them
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:04AM) Chasmia: then some strangers will have them because they're not in my inventory any more
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:04AM) Jeff: k
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:05AM) Chasmia: sell the shaguar if you don't want it. I saw an ad for 150k for it last week
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:06AM) Jeff: I don't want money
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:06AM) Chasmia: weeeeeeell, don't be spiteful
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:06AM) Chasmia: that was my pride and joy. At least it'll bring some great money your way.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:06AM) Jeff: its yours
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:06AM) Jeff: you take it
Sunday, December 26, 2004 (03:06AM) Chasmia: took it

So here I am

2004-12-26T01:37:00.000-06:00

12:30.. lonely...

I begged Jeff to forgive me Why? Because of that stupid stunt I pulled on him last night at this time. He said I had nothing to apologize for and then said he forgave me. Thing is..

I still am second to every other thing in his life - that stupid game, his stupid character, his wants.

Ugh and you know, I think I just picked another fight with him.

I said something like "I'm gonna start playing World of Warcraft." and he said he'd play with me. I said "No you won't. Don't even tell me that. You've shown me otherwise far too many times."

Hmm. He just answered with "Well okay"

.........

I need him to make a conscious effort with me - not one that I have to needle him into. Sad thing is that I'm not even sure I'd believe any effort that he made. Why? Because it happens every time - we get all loving and sweet. I tell him that I love him and go out of my way to make him feel like a prince, then he leaves me out in the cold - cuts me off and pays no attention to me. It gets all painful and lonely - and I *tell* him that - and yet he does nothing until I have my complete melt down. After my meltdowns, he makes some lame promise about trying to be better, and then doesn't do squat and then the tells me that he wants us to get to a place where I don't rely on him so much. Then I go crazy and do crazy things out of desperation and that simply just repulses him more. Then I break down again and he promises to be better. Then I get all loving with him and the whole cycle starts again.

I need him to say to me "I love you. You can have me because I only want you", not "You can have me because nobody else wants me". I need him to say "Venus, I am in love with you and I want to make our relationship work." I just need to be important enough to him to be the only one.

I'm not, though. I'm not sure I'll ever be.

_____

I asked him to sit down sometime this week and tell me what I can expect out of our relationship. I even said the words "Even if it means ruining my Christmas." Well, it's been a week since I said that and no, I haven't heard a word from him about it. I want to ask him to tell me but I just don't even know if the timing is right (since I just smarted off to him) or if it's a good idea at all.

I assume (maybe even unfairly) that he hasn't even bothered to think about it, and it kinda hurts me but when it comes down to it, it's my fault. Why? Because I haven't had the strength to get out of this relationship when I know that obviously he doesn't love me. He wants to have sex with me (why the hell not? It's cheap, easy sex and he doesn't even have to bother to come to Oklahoma to get it because I'll go meet him where ever) - and then ignore me until he wants to fuck again. At least, that's what it feels like right now. That's certainly what it looks like anyway.

Soooo, it's 1:13am now and I assume Jeff will be going to bed soon. Another night without attention from him. Another night when I utterly resent that I ever hooked up with a man who doesn't give a rat's ass about me....

I wanna cancel Christmas for my family next year

2004-12-25T20:10:00.000-06:00

Why? Because they can't get along properly. They can't go 24 hours without arguing. At least I come by my grouchiness honestly.

Firstly, I need to confess my moment of shame. My moment of shame came last night when it was time for bed and I tried to talk to Jeff. He wasn't really doing anything wrong, I guess (except playing that freaking game addictively to the point that he didn't recognize that I wanted some attention). When I got too cold to sit here to talk to Jeff, I took my cell phone in my room so that I could just IM him with my cell phone from bed. First thing I did? Ride his case for not talking to me. I made some comment like "You can't even spare 5 minutes to talk to me?" (groan, I'm such a moron) and pressured him into talking to me. Venus, thy name be Moron. So anyway, I was dog tired and forced him to talk to me anyway. The even dumber thing? I fell asleep while waiting for IMs to come my way from him. I just stupidly put my phone number my pillow, so it couldn't receive any signals, so naturally, nothing came through. Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid me. No wonder he won't talk to me today.

That was my stupidity. Therefore, that's my reason not to deserve Christmas.

Today was my brother's turn. The day started out innocently enough. I had fallen asleep early last night, so I was awake by 5.30am. I stayed in bed till 7am when I heard Mom get up for the day. I went in the living room with her and took care of Soapy (who had gotten hurt the night before). I laid down on the floor with her and was petting on her and loving her when my brother got up for the day. He seemed to be in a good mood this morning and we were even just doing general talking when it happened. Mom was outside messing around with the plumbing because there was some kind of clog and she wanted to fix it so that Miles and Judy could take a shower before they left.

What a mistake. Judy saw Mom out there fooling with the pipes and she said something like "You should be out there helping your mom." He got up and walked outside to help Mom. All is fine and dandy, right? No. Wrong. Apparently, my brother took that comment as some form of condescention directed at him, and that was enough to turn him into something I hadn't seen up close since I was 15 years old. He became scary mean. At one point, while he was taking a break from helping Mom, he came inside and got into an argument in front of all of us. I looked at Elizabeth to see if she was troubled by it, but she just kept on playing and coloring on the counter top as if nothing was going on. But it scared me. I honestly thought that my brother was going to hit Judy during that time and it scared me. It SCARED me. Then Judy lost her temper and fought back with Miles. It was too much for me. I had to get outta here, so I went into my room and shut the door. Judy knocked on the door quietly so that she and Elizabeth could say goodbye because they were all going back home to Texas. I hugged her and told her that I loved her, and then went into the living room to hug my brother goodbye as well. While Judy was loading Elizabeth up in the car, Miles came back in the house to tell me that he was sorry that he ruined Christmas. I told him that he hadn't ruined Christmas and then he said that Judy would probably tell everyone he did. I said something stupid like "Well you didn't, so get over that attitude" and then he left.

Honestly, he didn''t ruin my Christmas. Neither did she. My Christmas was fabulous yesterday. Seeing Elizabeth made my Christmas wonderful. Today may officially be Christmas but to me, yesterday was Christmas because that's the day we traditionally open presents. Today is just the day where I lay in my undies and be lazy while me and Mom try to recover from all of the festivities of the day before. Did he ruin my today? No. He scared the crap out of me and I wish I just stayed in bed till they all left, but no, he didn't ruin my today. Next year, I will be ready for any mini wars. I'll simply just lay in bed till everyone leaves. So now, Mom's crying. The whole thing stressed her out so much that I just feel so bad for her.

So yeah, I think we should cancel Christmas until we all learn how to behave - myself included.

As far as gifts go, it was great. Tessa liked her RAM for her computer. Elizabeth loved her peek a blocks. Chelcie loved her new surround sound speakers for her computer. My brother in law liked his OU blanket. Miles and Judy didn't quite get excited over the gems, but I think they will once everything settles down. My sister, on the other hand, went nuts over her Nintendo Gamecube. I got a couple of nice gift certificates from NewEgg so that I can build my new computer - 300 dollars in GC, actually - from Mom, Miles, and Judy. My sister set me up with some more minutes for my cell phone and Soapy got me a neat set of candles and then I got a neat little set of miniature candles that smell like what gramma's kitchen is supposed to smell like at Christmas time. Oh yeah, and a little tech vaccuum from dirty santa.

I slept a lot after my brother left and here I am now...

Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope everyone has had a wonderful Christmas and if not, be thankful that you aren't related to me, because if you were, you'd have had a day like today.

It's Christmas Eve

2004-12-24T01:07:00.000-06:00

Well, it will be when I wake up.

I took my first steps toward trying not to be so needy. I quit relying on Jeff to keep me entertained and spent the entire night away from him. He finally decided that he wanted to come around me at like 12:30.

I confessed to him that I'm thinking about seeing a shrink because I wanted to not care about things any more. I wanted the old me back. He wants that too. Yuck, what an ugly person he wants me to be, apparently, because when I say that I want to get back to not caring about anything, it means that I want to stop caring for him too. It means that I want to stop caring about how anybody reacts and become a selfish little witch.

The crazy thing about that is that when I *am* selfish like that, I have a million people trying to get my attention. It's when I become nice and helpful and caring that everyone seems to scatter. I was like that when I first met Jeff. I was mean and made it a habit to belittle him to his face on a daily basis. What did I care? I didn't know him personally. I had no emotions for him. He was just some stupid horny male that wanted in my pants while he lived his life doing whateve. In fact, that's what I treated all men like.

In a way, I want to go back to being that person. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop worrying about others. I want to quit being walked on and I want to do the walking again. People seemed to like me better when I was like that. In other ways, it disgusts me to be like that and feel like I'd be a horrible person for mistreating people. I just don't know. Whatever the case, I totally want to let go of the notion that what people think about me is what makes me the person that I am. It drives me to become yes, a sweet, tender person, but it also makes me needy and clingy and insecure as crap.

People will not be the friends you need them to be. People will never be who you need them to be. That is exactly what I'm trying to teach myself right now, and it's a lesson that i hate learning. It's a lesson that all good people should *never* have to learn. It's a lesson that I've tried to make sure that nobody has to learn, yet could not protect myself from it.

So...

it's Christmas. I just don't feel very warm and fuzzy. I just don't feel that I have reason to feel that way. A kiss under the mistletoe? Riiiight. What's that? Someone - anyone - reaching out to me to tell me "I love you so much and want to be here for you"? right. Whatever.

So I'm gonna go crawl in bed. Hopefully I'll wake up in better spirits.

Okay, that officially does it for me.

2004-12-23T05:34:00.000-06:00

I'm too freaking needy for my own good. I see it now. I see it plain and clearly and I'm disgusted by it. I'm so desperate for attention that I was sitting here relying on a guy (Mike) to be my safety net when Jeff wouldn't. I relied on a guy who made me feel wanted even though he absolutely positively treated his girlfriend like crap. I relied on a guy that made me feel special even though I knew he did his girlfriend dirty by abandoning her for 4 months.

I made a little extra special effort tonight to talk to Mike tonight. See, he wanted me to move into his house in There with him. Unfortunately, Jeff forbade it, so I was going to simply buy a bunch of things as a kind of nice house warming gift and give them to Mike. Then I was going to tell him that I couldn't move in. I didn't think it would matter, though, because the little crush I had was just one sided, so I didn't really figure that it would matter if I lived with him or out in the middle of some ocean in some dry, desert isle.

I waited up all night. I saw him log in and I waited for hours for him to come say hi. When he didn't, I sent him an instant message. He summoned me for 5 seconds and said nothing to me and then I left so that he could talk to his friends in peace. Here it is 5am and he finally decided to come into one of my zones half an hour ago.

I tried to talk to him directly, but he said nothing. I asked if I could ride with him and he said nothing. I didn't exist. I just did not exist. Yay me for being stupid enough to try to rely on someone I know just from online. Yay me for wanting to get close to someone that I just met online. Yay me for convincing myself that he wanted to be with me. Yeah. Yay me.

I see what I was doing. I'm wondering if I should be upset that he ignored me but well, even though I am a bit unhappy about it, I also know that he isn't really even anything that I care about. I know he can't/won't love me and I know that it's wrong of me to even think about it because his ex girlfriend is someone that lifts me up and carries me through the day sometimes. I'll back away from Mike. I didn't like being ignored by him tonight anyway.

What it all boils down to is that A> I am too needy - I am way too freaking needy and will get myself into a lot of heartache if I don't stop being so needy, and B> I need to stop relying on other people to pick me up emotionally because they simply will just say whatever they think I wan hear just to make me shut the hell up, and then they'll get away from me and have nothing to do with me.

Jeff also told me that he didn't want me living with Mike or Rocky in There. Yesterday, though, when he started acting all jealous that I was getting attention from them, I told him that he couldn't have it both ways with me. He could not abandon and neglect me and then get all jealous when other people make an effort to show that they want to be with me. At the same time, I reminded him that *he* was the only one I wanted and that it was *him* that I wanted to get the attention, love, and affection from. Jeff said that he was trying to be those things that I need and want him to be and that he wanted to be those things. I told him that I would not move in with those guys and that I loved him. I want him to be my future. He said something along the lines of "Yes, I need to understand and that if I don't, I will just have to learn to deal with it." When I look back on that statement now, I can see where he may possibly be saying that no, he just won't get jealous because he doesn't want to have to always be there when I want or need him to. However, at the time (and also, if I think about it with my heart), I'm sure that he didn't mean it that way. It's just my own self doubt kicking in once again.

Jeff and I talked a little bit about Christmas tonight. I told him I had bought him something - a very thoughtful something. I have, in fact, got a nice little autographed helmet from daunt Culpepper reserved for me to pick up. Daunte Culpepper is his favorite Minnesota Viking and I wanted to get him something small that he could look at and be proud of. I joked with Jeff by saying that I assumed he was thinking "Dammit. Now I gotta buy her something" or "How am I supposed to get that thing if I'm not going to go to OKC?"

He seemed surprised that I knew he didn't get me anything. Why should he be surprised? He just doesn't think about stuff like that. The poor guy doesn't understand the love and closeness that comes with Christmas. I'm not even sure he's ever had it. He doesn't celebrate it at home and doesn't even have a Christmas tree. Why would it offend me that he didn't get me anything when in fact, he doesn't celebrate Christmas in general? I told him it didn't hurt me.

He said that he had indeed planned on getting me something. Heh. He said it wasn't very thoughtful though. He said he didn't do very well with thoughtful. I agree that he doesn't. However, he did get me some awesome roses for my birthday. They weren't my favorite color - I totally prefer pink roses - but these red ones were the most beautiful and perfect roses I had ever seen and they made my house smell beautiful. Anyway, so I told him that I didn't need anything like that:

Chasmia: I don't need or want anything except love
Chasmia: I simply just want to feel that you love me and want to be with me and that there's hope for us in the future
Chasmia: It is my dream that I can have you forever.
Chasmia: I know that's a lot of pressure
Chasmia: and I know it's scary to think about
Chasmia: and I know I'm definitely not a dream girl
Chasmia: but a girl can dream, and that's what I dream.

He sat there quietly. I know that stuff like that scares him to hear. It was even a mean thing to do - to say that I don't want anything for Christmas but please marry me and be with me forever. Yeah, I want nothing from you for Christmas; but here, have a little side order of pressure to make you feel all warm and gooey inside.

-----

It's after 5:30am now and it's ice cold outside. Some cold front came through from Canada and totally froze everything. When I heard the news at 5pm, the weatherman said it was only 29 degrees. Now, it's 5:30am and there's absolutely no way it's any warmer than 19 degrees outside. It was really slick on the roads yesterday, so I'm assuming that because today is supposed to be worse than yesterday, it's going to be dreadfully awful today. The sad thing is that because of the weather, I may not get to see my brother and his family for Christmas. I really hope that I do, and I can't wait to be with him, but I'm really nervous that I won't see them. I'll cross my fingers, though

I need to get up and get away from this computer and start socializing. After reading back over my old entries and the entries on www.mydeardiary.com, I realized that I spend far too much time on this machine and need to get out more and become more social. I used to be really socially oriented. I think there I need to get back to that place.

As Good As A Lonely Girl Can Be

2004-12-21T22:33:00.000-06:00

I'm such a baby. Why the hell isn't Jeff talking to me? Why isn't he telling me he loves me right now instead of playing that damned piece of crap game? Oh, who cares...

So last night, I tried to spend some time with Jeff but there was some trouble with Darren and Clara and their internet radio station. Everyone associated with that radio station had to log in and take part in some voice chat meeting that I didn't wanna be a part of. I totally totally wanted to be with Jeff. I didn't get to though. The meeting ran till 10:30pm and I was so tired that I went to bed by 11. The annoying thing is that I woke up at 2am and couldn't go back to sleep.

I finally did manage to take a short nap at around 2:30pm and slept till 5:30pm. I had a hard time waking up, but well, here I am... alone, dammit, and I'm not liking it.

Jeff told me last night that I rely too much on him. Err, or that my emotions are based too much on him. He's so damned bad about that kinda stuff. I had told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make things better for him. I told him that in order for me to be happy, he needed to be happy. That's when he said that stuff to me. It was kind of offensive to be told stuff that left me with the idea of "I don't want to be responsible for any time you feel hurt. I want you to be alone and I want to get out of this relationship without a guilty conscience." (t least, that's the way it felt to me when he said it). In some ways, I think that what he said was right and that my own happiness shouldn't depend on him. In other ways, I thought it was a crappy thing to say.
I didn't argue with him.

I didn't say anything except "Maybe so" and then thought about how just two nights previously, one of my friends from There.com told me "Do you know how many guys would kill just for the chance to mean *something* to you?" He then proceeded to name off names of people that have told him how they adore me and think I'm the greatest. He told me names of people that would jump at the chance to be with me - heh, and he named off Mike (who was standing right there chatting with us).

Jeff called There.com my "man haven" and gets kinda touchy about it. In fact, he told me the other night that he wanted to come be in bed with me, but that I needed to leave all the other guys behind. I am totally sure he's referring to Mike in specifics because I told him all about Mike and how it felt good for someone to be admitting that they want and need me.

It confused me, though, because I can't figure Jeff at all. Nights like tonight leave me out in the cold, begging and pleading for attention from him. I feel lonely and unwanted and despised. Jeff told me not to rely on him for my happiness and tells me he doesn't know what he wants - then neglects me until I have a total breakdown. Then, when I finally give up on him and simply start spending time with people who openly tell me every day how they want me and need me, Jeff tells me to leave them behind.

So...

Tonight I will seek Mike out and take him up on his offer to let me live in his house in There. Jeff and I used to live together, but he sold the house and quit playing. Jeff doesn't want me and won't play with me (except when he wants to complain), but grew extremely silent when I mentioned the possibility of moving my stuff into Mike's cute little virtual house. The only thing he said to me was "Do what makes you happy" but then grew incredibly silent.

Tonight, I'll be with Rocky, Greg, and Mike, and it'll feel good to be wanted - even if it's just to stand around to talk to people.

We've got some kinda blizzard coming to OKC tonight. Already, it's insanely cold, and I'm wrapped up in 2 blankets, and I have my feet stuffed inside of a big ole foot warmer. The fear, now, is that my brother won't come to Oklahoma City for Christmas due to all the bad weather that's supposed to come. I seriously hope that isn't what will happen though.

Wonder What I Did This Time?

2004-12-20T01:05:00.000-06:00

Chasmia: okay what was the point of that?
Jeff: the point of what
Chasmia: Logging into There. Standing there half an hour and refusing to speak to me, then logging out?
Jeff: you haven't said 2 words to me tonight
Jeff: so don't go there
Chasmia: I have too
Chasmia: I pulled up right next to you at Grass Valley
Chasmia: sat there
Chasmia: tried
Chasmia: tried again
Chasmia: tried even again
Jeff: you last talked to me 2 hrs and 45 mins ago
Chasmia: no :)
Jeff: [22:01] Chasmia: was putting atrack down at GV
[22:01] Chasmia: there hasn't been one there all day apparently
[22:02] Jeff: hmm
Chasmia: yes
Chasmia: you ran missions. I left you alone
Chasmia: you can IM me. Come on, Jeff. I shouldn't be the one to always make the effort
Chasmia: I *was* trying to talk to you at Grass Valley. You just stood there
Jeff: wasn't payin attn to There
Jeff: only time I saw you was when you were driving
Chasmia: I was right under your feet like a freaking dog in GV
Chasmia: in fact, I always am
Chasmia: so don't scold me for not talking. I *tried* and always try
Jeff: okie
Chasmia: wanna tell me why you're being cold?
Chasmia: or am I going to get "Not now. I'm not up to talking about it - especially at 12:30"
Jeff: I'm just in a bad mood today
Jeff: dunno why really
Chasmia: Don't take it out on me. You know what you do to my emotions. I'm tortured enough.
Jeff: ok, I'm sorry
Chasmia: it's forgiven
Chasmia: now talk to me instead of making me wonder when I'm going to ever get back to a place where you loved me and would do almost anything to be near me
Chasmia: tell me what's gone on today.
Jeff: nothing at all relaly
Jeff: same thing as every other day basically
Chasmia: did you not get enough sleep last night?
Jeff: probably not
Jeff: I got up like noon
Chasmia: still 7 good hours of sleep
Jeff: *shrug* guess so, was still tired most of the day
Chasmia: *blink*
Chasmia: okay
Chasmia: listen
Chasmia: You're not up to talking to me for some reason. I won't bother you.
Chasmia: Hunt me down when or if you wanna spend some time with me
Jeff: I'm just gonna sign out now, sorry for being cold....have a good night, please don't be upset. I love you and I'm sorry.
Chasmia: I love you. Goodnight

I think I needled him too much. But, it doesn't explain all of it. I know that last night we parted in kind of a sad way. He told me he wouldn't see me any time soon. I told him that upset me. He sighed at me. I told him not to do that because I didn't do anything wrong at all. I said goodnight and went to bed when he did. Unfortunately, I went to bed without any feeling of security or love.

I woke up feeling the same way today, and am at the point that I wanna go to Mike and ask him to hold me or at least to make me feel wanted. I'm such a lamer.

______

My family knows - rather my sister does. She knows all about him and the fact that he's married. How disappointing I am to have not been strong enough to keep it inside. I know so very well that my family will punish me for this forever. They'll call me a whore and a slut and all kinds of things. They'll also hold it against Jeff forever - even if he does leave his wife.

Why am I worried about how they'll feel about Jeff? He doesn't care about me enough to worry how I feel. *sigh* See, I am weak. Love has totally ruined me.

I'm also kind of miffed right now. Still no effort from Jeff. No text messages. The only I love you I got from him earlier was when I prompted him to say it - in fact, I said it *for* him. "I love you too, Venus." I said in front of him. I got one from him when he signed out for the night though but I just don't know. He knows I feel neglected. He knows how I am hurting. He just refuses to do anything about it...

Merry Christmas Y'all

2004-12-18T19:35:00.000-06:00

It's so hard to keep this particular blog going. Not because I have nothing to write about but moreso that the bookmark for it is buried in a pile of junky bookmarks in my Netscape folder.

It's been a confusing week for me. Not even 3 nights ago, I was totally screwed up. I posted in here about not letting Jeff have the tiny piece of my heart that ultimately makes me willing to trust him entirely. Well, the stuff got worse after that.

The following day, I tried to talk to Jeff but I was greeted with the usual coldness that I was so afraid of. I kept trying and kept trying, though, and ultimately, I did manage to get in touch with him. During that conversation, he said that if things kept continuing the way they were, he no longer had any hope for us. He blamed all of his stress on me and didn't acknowledge the fact that his actions cause me even more stress and pain.

I just was in so much pain. I sat up that night and just cried and cried. Jeff told me that he would try to be more understanding and comforting but the damage was already done when he said that he didn't have hope for us. and then refused to acknowledge any of the things that were hurting me.

I went looking for Mike so that I could have someone to talk to. Mike understands my depression issues - I'm sure of that - and for some reason, I totally felt that due to the fact that he is somewhat attracted to me, he would be willing to comfort me and make me feel wanted at a time when the love of my life didn't.

Mike was nowhere to be found, but Rocky was. I was able to let a lot of my pain out when I talked to Rocky and he told me that he was so thankful that I went to him with my pain. He said that it made him feel special that I trusted him with my pain. I held nothing back from him and told him all of my fears. I told him about my insecurities with myself and about how I simply didn't like myself any more. I told him that I wanted desperately to be wanted and to fit in, so it was exactly why I was so extremely nice to everyone. However, I did not want him to listen to me cry, so instead, I made him just sit there while I typed to him over the internet. It was kind of a lame thing to do but I just *had* to be able to let my pain out without making someone listen to me cry (I get all self conscious about letting people hear me cry). Rocky was just wonderful with me.

Finally, Mike showed up and we talked for hours. He kept pulling me away so that I'd talk more privately and freely with him. I tried and tried and tried not to cry any more - I'm so sick of crying over Jeff - but I failed miserably and ultimately bursted out in tears to the point that even Mike started crying because he could empathise with many of the things I was saying. We talked till 7am. He was really tender with me.

Unfortunately, he said all of the things that I didn't want to hear - things like "He'll never leave her. Get away from him and move on". He pointed out that the fact that Jeff is married and still hooked up with me made him a creep. But then, when all was said and done, he told me how it hurt him to have to say bad stuff about Jeff because he really cares for Jeff and thinks he's a great guy (most people tend to agree with that statement when they meet him). I dunno, maybe the fact that Mike cares about Jeff made his comments a little bit easier to deal with and for once, I didn't take any offense to them at all. Maybe the fact that Mike actually choked up when he was talking to me ultimately helped me. Maybe just knowing that someone out there does care for me helped.

During the day that day, I had cried a lot. I couldn't even hide my tears from Mom and she tried and tried to get me to tell her what was wrong. I said that I just couldn't talk about it but I figure she knew that it had something to do with Jeff because she told me "Men aren't worth it. They suck, baby. You're better than you think you are and deserve a prince. He doesn't deserve you." I never told her anything about why I was crying, though, and she left me in peace.

That night, while I was talking to Mike and Rocky, I actually was so upset that my eyelashes fell out. It was odd, but I guess that when i think about it, all of that crying and rubbing my eyes didn't help anything (well, it helped my broken heart, but not anything else) and probably led to my eyelashes falling completely out. The kooky thing, though, is that the following day, both of my eyebrows fell out - all at once. Stress does the craziest things to my body and I was afraid that ultimately, all of my hair would fall out. Thankfully, it didn't.

So, Jeff gave me more attention last night and was even kind of loving. Today is a different story once again, though. I sent him a text message saying "Someone in Oklahoma is thinking about you and loves you very much - even more than yesterday." at 8am this morning my time. It's 8pm my time now and he still hasn't responded. I did shoot him an IM to say hello and he said hello back. We talked very very briefly, but he was too interested in playing City of Heroes, so I simply have given up hope of talking to him tonight until he gets ready for bed or until he gets horny and wants to hear my voice so that he can... uh..

I have to admit that I am somewhat attracted to Mike even though he did his ex girlfriend wrong. It isn't that he's overly good looking or anything, but moreso that he openly admits to the fact that he wants to spend time with me and tells me over and over again that I matter to him, which is so much more than Jeff does. But, I refuse to let anything every become of my friendship with him. Even if Jeff weren't in the picture, I wouldn't let things progress with Mike. Firstly, I don't think he loves me like that. Heck, I even wonder if maybe he doesn't really even like me like that sometimes. Secondly, he's my friend Nita's ex-boyfriend and she's still so very much in love with him. I refuse to hurt her like that. I absolutely refuse. She loves me strongly and she was always there for me. She always trusted me with Mike, and for that reason, I couldn't ever get involved with him. Finally, I think that most of my infatuation with Mike has to do with the fact that I feel unloved by Jeff. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if I hooked up with Mike or *anyone else* right now because I know that it would only be because I feel unloved by Jeff.

------

So it's Christmas time again. It's my favorite time of the year. I'm not sure that Christmas itself is all that great, but the holidays are so wonderful - especially New Year's Eve. I had asked Jeff to come to OKC to be with me for New Year's Eve but as time went on, it looked less and less likely that he'd even try, so I simply released him from the promise of coming here for New Year's Eve. He now will have to go to San Francisco with work a few days before New Year's Eve and I'll be without a New Year's kiss - heh for the 35th year of my life.

As dismal as my New Year's plans sound, it would seem that I don't feel all that pleased about the holidays this year. Nothing can be further from the truth, though. I'm *so* excited for Christmas to get here. I want everyone to see what I got them and I want to see their faces all light up with big smiles. I can't wait to see my baby niece again either. I can't wait to be able to play with her and laugh with her. I can't wait to see that little princess running around my house again. Maybe this year, I'll get big hugs and maybe people will all be pleased. I actually believe that yes, that will actually happen.

It's 5:30am

2004-12-15T05:25:00.000-06:00

I'm cold and I'm tired.

I tried to go to sleep earlier but with my sleep schedule being so messed up, any hope of sleep before 6am is wasted hope.

I laid in bed and watched tv. My friend Oliver works on a Discovery Channel show called Wingnuts and he's been after me to watch it for quite some time. I finally watched it tonight. Heh, the furniture sucks. The characters suck - and one dude died. The good thing about that show is that Oliver is proud of it so that's good enough for me. I will let him know that I watched the show and I'm sure it'll please him. If he asks me what I thought of it, though, I'm going to say "Dude, I saw the episode where the one guy died. What happened to him anyway? How'd he die?" so that I don't have to tell him that well, I think the show kinda stinks.

I ended up getting up around 2am and logging into the computer. Rocky was there to talk to me all night. He knew that I was a little troubled but I made it a point not to really talk to him about Jeff or anything negative. I knew that if I brought it up, I'd just dwell on it and then I'd let the pain come in. No way.

I have to say that I miss writing in my other blog. Unfortunately, Jeff read my last entry and used the pain that I had expressed in the entry ("He knows I'm upset and that I'm probably going to lay in bed and wait for a call that will never come") to lash out at me again. "I just love how you twist things around when you post about me in your diary. And no, I'm not going to call you", he said. My mother used to use my diary against me when I was a teen and I had no place to really express what was on my heart, so I just turned it all inward. When Jeff did the same with my online diary, I simply just quit writing in that one and refused to give him the address of this one. I'm not going to pay emotionally *two times* for what he does to me simply because I write in my blog when he hurts me.

Okay, so I still hurt when I mention him. I don't deny that. I just totally deny that he has all of my heart any more.

The Other Shoe Finally Dropped

2004-12-14T22:53:00.000-06:00

It's halfway through the month and other than a short, rocky start, Jeff and I have had a very good month. He's been patient and sweet. He's been so gentle and attentive. It was so wonderful.

In this time, I've run into a few people from my recent past that have attempted to get things going with me. One in particular was a guy named Kelly that I met through There.com. Kelly was boisterous and loud but I don't know, something about him was kind of appealing when I first met him. To be honest, when he gave other girls attention, I'd get jealous as crap. Now though, 2 years later, I simply have zero desire to be near him. He's abusive physically and mentally, and even though he never physically touched me, I always knew that if I went anywhere near him, he might very well hurt me. Sooo, after he got jealous and wigged out on me over staying with Jeff instead of going out with him, I finally got tired of dealing with him and cut him out of my life. Maybe it was too harsh of me to do so, or maybe the sudden and utter finality of it all was too harsh, but well, I did put up with a lot and finally had all i could. To have him return to me and then ask me if I was still with Jeff was just odd.

He seemed kind of pleased when I told him that I had told Jeff that he had until our anniversary date to decide to either dump his wife or dump me. Kelly reminded me that Jeff won't meet that deadline and that I'll be screwed. Ahh, maybe so. Either way, I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt now, though, that Kelly will never be a romantic part of my life. No way. I told Jeff about it though. He didn't seem all that concerned.

The other one that has been around again is Mike. Yeah, I have to be honest again and admit that when I first met him, I found him to be kind of appealing. He was sweet and was always had kind words to say to me. Alas, he had a girlfriend at the time, and well, I was starting to have these really deep feelings for Jeff, so things with Mike went nowhere. Sure, we remained friends and all, but his girlfriend and I became even better friends in the process. She's been there for me when I was aching over Jeff. She held me up when I couldn't stand and she leaned on me when she was too weak to walk alone. She's been wonderful.

Unfortunately, Mike just didn't treat her very well and for some reason, it also seems to have affected what I thought about him in general. I'm always happy to see him, but well, I saw some of the things he did to his girlfriend and heard some of the things he said to her, and frankly it disgusted me. Now, there is zero appeal in Mike. His girlfriend and he are no longer together either. He dumped her cold by simply abandoning her for 4 months and when she finally found him again, he told her that things were over. It was pretty rough.

So he's been around again, and he's saying things to me again about how he would've chased me if he didn't have a girlfriend when he met me. Frankly, it makes me sorely uncomfortable, though, so I politely change the subject and I try not to be alone with him. Instead, I wait till I'm with Rocky or someone else before I'll go anywhere near Mike.

I also told Jeff about Mike as well. I told him that Mike's actions made me uncomfortable and Jeff said he understood.

So back to the topic, yes, things have been wonderful lately. They've been so wonderful that I've actually wondered when the other shoe would drop. I have learned that in the past, when things were very good, they would soon turn bad and I would end up hurting horribly because of it. This time, though, I was ready for things to go bad.

When Jeff and I had our problems before, we'd break out into an argument and I would storm off while I waited for Jeff to make some kind of attempt to fix things. When it came down to it, though, he stopped trying to fix it - in fact, he's stopped trying since sometime in July. It would leave me totally shattered. I always felt horrible and unworthy of him. What was I supposed to feel?

I'd pray to die. That was the only kind of hope for relief from the pain that I had - to die. Jeff sure didn't wanna fix things and I was so hopelessly in love with him that I just couldn't let him go. My world revolved around him and when I didn't get the love I needed, it would shatter me. It led me to a dark place that I would beg to be released from but I just never was released until
I had the dream of dying.

I won't want to relieve the darkness of that night, but it is all written down in my other blog. The dream did something to me. I woke up with some kind of new strength. It just... it just helped me. I guess that after a couple of days, I needed to talk to Jeff and get him to help me understand our relationship. I ultimately told him to tell me to either hang on to him or to tell me to go. He told me to hang on.

I did. But I did it guardedly. This time, I have not given him all of my heart. I didn't trust him not to hurt me again and I had no faith that our relationship had any hope for the future. I still don't have any hope of that and have already begun to get used to the idea of being without him once our relationship ends on our anniversary. Even recently, when he's been the most attentive that he's been in a very long time, I didn't trust him not to hurt me. Because of that, I have withheld my heart and not let him have all of my soul any more.

Tonight, I am thankful that I haven't. I've been waiting for the fairy tale of a week to end and it did tonight. His internet is screwy and it's messing up our ability to talk to each other, but when we finally did talk, he wanted to know why I had logged out of City of Heroes. He apologized for ruining my experience there, and I honestly didn't want him to feel that it was all his fault. I told him that I was tired of the extra attention that Clara got from him and the others, and that I didn't like that she didn't defend me when the others insulted me (yet she expected me to defend her when people hurt or insulted her - which I did). I told him that I didn't like being told that I wasn't necessary by the group there either.

*sigh* But that was just enough to invite the defensive comment of "I just love how you lump me in with all that'. (or something identical. I stupidly closed the IM before getting the exact wording to quote). I tried to stand my ground but he utterly denies that he flirts with her. Honestly, he does and it hurts my feelings pretty badly - it always has - but he claims that no, he doesn't flirt with her. I reminded him that his behavior toward her is the same behavior he said that I had displayed when he thought I was flirting with Mike. He denied showing any of that behavior and then laughed at me with the same condescending laughter that tears away at my self worth. That's the laughter that says "I don't care what you think You're stupid and I am above you, so move on, little slug"

I listened to him state that 'nm. nothing I can say would change your mind. think what you want'. He said a few other things which I took as him just blowing off steam because it wasn't anything overly hurtful. It just was him still ranting a little. Then I just told him I was sorry and that I didn't mean to offend him.

Our fight wasn't even major but I swear that had it happened just 3 weeks ago, I would pray to die because Jeff doesn't care about me enough to even give my feelings any creedence. Now, it's just a small reminder that I was smart not to let him have the vulnerable part of my heart that I had so deeply trusted him with for over a year.

Did I apologize because I felt he was right? No. Did I apologize because I felt like a low life (which I commonly do if my opinion isn't the same as his)? No. Did I apologize because I felt that maybe I was misreading him? NO! I know that I'm not. I apologized because that little piece of heart that I've withheld from him just didn't care enough to continue.

I am not saying that I don't care abut him. God, I love him so much that sometimes I can't breathe any more. I'm not saying that I don't want things between us to work out because I do want it to - I want that more than I want to eat or sleep. He just is not allowed to have that part of me any more - that part of me that made our relationship whole. He can't have that piece of my heart and I won't allow him to have the power to hurt me any more.

I was greeted with over half an hour of silence from him. Once again, 3 weeks ago, it would've devastated me. In fact, he told me flat out that he wouldn't call me a couple of weeks ago when he knew that I was hurting. "And no, I am not going to call you". After the silence, I quietly locked that piece of my heart away from him, and then told him that I was very cold and very tired. I said it very kindly, and I didn't even have to force the kindness to hide any sadness I felt because I didn't *feel* any sadness. I then said goodnight. He told me goodnight and told me to sleep well. He said he loved me.

I will sleep well. The other shoe fell, but it didn't hit me this time.